Last Week on Heroes: A solar eclipse drastically reduced the special effects budget. Claire lost her powers but gained a bullet in her shoulder.
This Week: Still running through the forest, Peter and The Haitian pause so the former can breathe heavily between badly delivered lines of stilted dialogue. Turns out Nathan was captured by Not The Good Haitian But The Other One, and is now chained up in a basement with a couple of prostitutes (naturally), and also speaks their language because why not.
Elle and Sylar bone on a hardwood floor, and Noah waits till they finish before trying to kill them, which is sort of courteous. When the electricoitus is over, the Company Man puts his binoculars and Kleenex away and bursts in guns ablazin,' nearly hitting Sylar. Luckily, Elle blocks the bullet with her vagina.
Mohinder is looking into what made everyone lose their powers, but can't stop glancing over at Maya's address because he's really fucking determined to ruin this show. Meanwhile Arthur's getting impatient with Mo's appROACH to synthesizing a superhero serum, so he sends in The Flamethrowing Hick to "intimidate" Suresh by holding a Zippo in his face which works, because (and this is just a theory) Mohinder is made of wax. He eventually fights back and bashes said hick in the head with a microscope.
Daphne has cerebral palsy, so now I feel kind of bad about laughing at her last week, except not really. Matt's trying to tell her she's not a villain but she's all "YOU DON'T KNOW ME," which didn't stop her from declaring her undying love to him just a few episodes ago.
Seth Green and that guy from Road Trip (the main one, not the singlet-sporting RA that CollegeHumor insists on casting in all of its CHTVs) work in a comic book shop, which according to Ando makes them responsible for the fate of humanity. Good idea, dude. Somehow I suspect their ingenious gameplan will involve getting out a bunch of their old toys and using them to make a string of painfully unfunny pop culture references in 15-minute increments.
In desperate need of top-flight medical assistance, Sylar takes Elle to Walgreens. But some asshole calls the cops because she's bleeding all over the floor. (If Sylar had set her down in the tampon section, that guy would have stayed the fuck away.)
Matt somehow finds Ando and Hiro in the comic shop and makes fun of them for associating with not one but two cast members from Rat Race. But wait! The one from the Garfield movies has a theory about this whole eclipse thing and it's just crazy enough to have been completely obvious the whole time: Maybe everyone's powers will return when the sun does! So Matt waddles back to the farmhouse to find Daphne (who can't have gone far), leaving Ando to deal with a temperamental 10-year-old Hiro, who all of a sudden doesn't want to grow up. (Something about being a "Toys R Us kid.")
Peter and the Haitian rescue Nathan plus a prostitute, because that could be fun later, I guess.
Claire is still in the hospital and man, that gunshot wound is just ravaging her body. Now she's got cottonmouth.
Seeing that Noah has tracked them down, Sylar puts his Love Shock Baby on an Elle-vator so she won't be able to witness the humiliating sight of a middle-aged man in horn-rimmed glasses turning his face into hamburger meat. Waylaid immediately, he asks Noah through busted lips what Claire would think of all this, but she can't really think anything right now because her entire abdomen is splayed open on an operating table somewhere. I guess the doctors had a really hard time finding that bullet. Anyway Noah slits Sylar's throat, leaving him to bleed out and surely, definitely die.
For one whole commercial break.
When Matt gets back to the farmhouse, Daphne's already gone. Maybe he shouldn't have stopped for Taco Bell along the way. Or that Burger King chaser. Anyway Daphne's dad is pretty nice to Matt considering he's just some chubby stranger in a Members Only jacket who pretty aggressively tried to force his way into their home a few hours ago. Matt eventually finds Daphne in a corn field, where she's busy asking God to make her a bird so she can fly, fly far away.
Peter machine guns some Haitian goons, but runs out of ammo because he was using the KF-7 Soviet instead of the RC-P90. Luckily he's saved by his brother and The Haitian, who team up to kill The Other Haitian with a 10-hit combo.
Mohinder goes to find Maya, because GOD DAMN IT MOHINDER. Luckily before she even has a chance to open the script, he notices that his scales have returned and scurries away.
Hiro was looking for three stars to the right and straight on till morning, but ended up locked in the bathroom instead, all "wah wah, adult problems, do not want." Seth and Road Trip Guy use their encyclopedic knowledge of 9th Wonders (and, by extension, the very show we're watching DOES THAT BLOW YOUR MIND) to ascertain that Japanightcrawler needs to save Claire, so they give him a pep talk until he finally grows the fuck up. Bang-a-Rang.
Sylar and Elle attack the Bennett residence (Because no one makes Sylar bleed his own blood no one!), and make off with Claire, but not before Noah tells Sylar that Arthur and Angela were JK about the whole "we're your parents" thing, and reminds Elle that Sylar killed her dad. Suddenly Hiro bamfs in and spirits Sylelle away to a secluded beach somewhere. There Sylar decides that Gossip Girl doesn't really need a narrator anymore, so he starts removing the top of Kristen Bell's skull.
Matt returns to the comic shop just in time to hear Seth Green spout some speculative stuff about there being only one more unpublished Isaac Mendez story, so thank God they finally explained that never-ending posthumous nonsense.
Back in Haiti, Nathan decides maybe a world full of superpowered people isn't such a bad thing after all. In case you don't remember, this is also Arthur Petrelli's position on the matter. And before Peter can even get to the F in "WTF," Nathan's all "Here's cab money Byee!" and flies off.
Not quite finished confusing the fuck out of every other character on the show by randomly abducting them from one place and dropping them in another, Hiro takes Claire to the past to watch Kaito Nakamura hand her infant self off to Noah. Claire almost says the word "shit" on NBC. The end.
Bad Ass Moments:
- Nathan flies The Other Haitian into a car at full speed, after which The Other Haitian sits up like a black T-1000.
- Hiro going all Deus Ex Machinasian on Sylar and Elle.
Noah: "This ends today." (Even though it didn't.)
Matt (on pointless Robot Chicken cameos): "Who are these bozos?"
Hiro (to Sylar, in Japanese): "Bad man."
That's What She Said:
"What is this, some kind of practical joke?"
Next Week: Wish I could tell you, but I was betrayed by my Tivo.