Santa's not real he's just so phony.
So I got this new bumper sticker that I really like. It reads, MY ONLY CAR IS MY BIKE. I went to put it on and realized I had a problem: I have no hands.
I thought getting my dog drunk would be really funny, but he just throws up like everyone else.
If I had a live karaoke band, I wouldn't tell people I had a live karaoke band. I would just say we've been auditioning front men for over twenty years.
I think every poison should be named after the largest thing it can kill. So instead of "Rat Poison" it should be "Human Poison." And instead of every other poison, it should be "Human Poison."
How many illegal immigrants does it take to build an office park?Damned if I'm gonna find out! U-S-A, U-S-A!
Fun-sized chocolateWhenever I'm eating one of those "fun sized" chocolate bars I like to pretend I'm a giant, and could crush anyone who tried to take my candy away.
In reverse Back to The FutureDoc Brown invents a DeLorean from a time machine.
Do you think if Jesus was on the penny, it would be called a JC Penny?
Inner monologue of a taxi driver going by a Neo-Nazi rallyW"Alright, a customer! damn, false alarm Alright, a customer! damn, false alarm Alright, a customer! damn, false alarm "
I wish the invisible hand could write my econ paper for me.
Barry Bonds was so good that he was like the next best player on steroids.
I was always told that masturbation will make me blind. Not true, but masturbating to crappy porn on my little phone in a public restroom really hurts my eyes.
Don't worry. If everything goes according to plan, global warming and nuclear winter will just cancel each other out.