On a cold winter night in Manhattan, world renowned linguist Noam Chomsky enters an Upper West Side apartment with his friend Barry. A party is already in progress. Chomsky is carrying a 6 pack of Stella Artois and the kind of self-confidence that can only come from being world renowned linguist Noam Chomsky.


Host: Barry, glad you could make it

Barry: Thanks, I brought a friend.

Noam: Hello, I'm Noam.

Host: MIT linguistics professor Noam Chomsky?

Noam: Yeppers.

Host: Wow…Mr. Chomsky, I must say, I love the idea of saying I love your work.

Noam: Most people do.

Host: Won't you come inside?

Noam: Why not, after all, I am Noam Chomsky, the world's prevalent libertarian socialist intellectual.

Barry: And I'm Barry, friend of Noam Chomsky.

Chomsky and Barry settle in on a maroon couch by the bathroom, because it has been deemed the best place to score chicks. In no time, a pair of attractive females, Meredith and Bethanie, find themselves waiting outside the door. Little do they realize that they are standing no more than 4 feet away from 2 time Orwell Award winner Noam Chomsky.

Noam: Excuse me ladies, are you in line for the bathroom?

Meredith: Yeah, wow, how did you know?

Noam: I once won the Kyoto Prize in Basic Sciences. Barry, why don't you take Bethanie to that empty couch over there and allow Meredith and I to get better acquainted?

Bethanie: How did you know our names?

Noam: I'm the recipient of an honorary degree from Harvard University…and I eavesdropped it like it's hot.

Meredith: You may or may not have just made up a potentially popular phrase. Make-out with me, 80 year old Noam Chomsky.

After a 5 minute make-out session, which rocked, Chomsky settles in with his target in the hopes that the mental stimulation that is sure to follow from a conversation with the most cited source among living scholars from 1980 to 1992, will eventually lead to the sexual stimulation that is sure to follow from boning the developer of the Principles and Parameters approach. Luckily for Meredith, Noam Chomsky is both of these things.

Meredith: You're so worldly, Noam. You must have the most amazing stories. Tell me everything.

Noam: What's the only word that changes its part of speech when it's capitalized?

Meredith: What?

Noam: When you capitalize the first letter in the word, it changes its meaning entirely. What word is it?

Meredith: I don't know.

Noam: The answer is polish, which becomes Polish. Get it?

Meredith: Yeah, anyways…what was it like debating William F. Buckley on television during the Vietnam era? That must have been such a sexually charging thing?

She puts her hands on his thigh. Sensing the moment, Noam strikes.

Noam: Do you know the longest word that's typed on a standard computer keyboard with just the right hand?

Meredith: No.

Noam: It's lollipop. What's the longest one-syllable word?

Meredith: What?

Noam: Strengths. The answer is strengths.

She prepares to leave, but as she does, he passionately grabs her hand and pulls her close, as only a man born in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania could. She is aroused big time.

Meredith: Let's go somewhere. I want to make love to you.

Noam: What word has the longest string of consonants?

Meredith: Goodbye.

Noam: Nope, it's latchstring. Goodbye is not even close.

Meredith: I hate you Noam Chomsky.

The time is 3 a.m. Noam Chomsky sits alone on a wicker chair. He will not get laid tonight. He will probably never get laid again. Because Noam Chomsky, it turns out, can't close for sh*t.

This article was sponsored by The Center For Making Noam Chomsky Wikipedia Searches Unnecessary.