Hanukkah, the Festival of Lights (or oil that burned conveniently toolong), is an eight-day celebration filled with confusion and hope.Unlike the Christians, Jews celebrate for eight days which means theopportunity to spell Channukah eight different ways (none of which arewrong, somehow), light a few dozen candles, and hope, hope that tonightis the night that the good present comes.

It seems that us Jewsalways need to make things more complicated than they are. And that iswhy Hannukah is celebrated on the 25th of Kislev, whenever the hellKislev is. But wait! Here's the fun part: Kislev changes every year soyou'll never know when cooky old Channnnukah is going to pop up. What?It's May 29th? It's Channaukah you say? Yep!

Eight nights ofpresents means that one of the eight nights the good present comes.Which night? No one knows. It depends on who is giving the present andif they know which night of Hanuchchah it is. Most likely Jewish kidshave to sit through at least six nights of crap, ill-fitting clothing,and nick-nacks that their parents think are clever until that onemagical night comes where they finally get the N64, iPod, ballet shoesor diamond-pleated sweater-vest, whatever they're into. Every night asthe candles are lit the hope begins, the hope that tonight could be thenight that mom breaks out the big present. Could tonight be the night?Nope.

And that is why I'm jealous of the Christian kids. Theywait all year for one day, a day that never changes, a day where theyget all of the crap and all of the cool stuff in one sitting. Then theyget to go to Grandma's house and get sucked into her old woman cleavagewhile she gives them Christmas hugs and tells them about the GreatDepression forgetting the fact that she was born in the late 1940's.It's the perfect system unlike the traditions inherited by us Jews. We're terminally doomed to confusion and hope in the month of Decemberwhile the good ol' Christian boys and girls are all smiley, eager andsatisfied.