Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
My Very Last Letter to Santa - 1996
December 30, 2008
While home this Christmas, my mom uncovered the last letter I ever wrote to Santa. Dripping with 90s references, phonetic spelling, and language usage that quite obviously surpassed my understanding at the time, this holiday gem represents the last moments of my childhood and the early stages of my inevitable big city cynicism. Enjoy.
How are you doing this year? Are the raindeer fine? How about Mrs. Clause, why don't you take her out with you on your rounds sometime. I am sure she gets bored staying at home sometimes!
Anyway, this year for Christmas this year I would like a few things. Since I do not think I will have a chance getting a dog or nintendo 64 I will not ask for them. The next best thing that I would like for Christmas is a 5-piece drumset, an achery set, and a computer. I would take a laptop if I had to, or even a laptop with no games. (I could buy some, or, and, borrow some from a friend.) This year I have been very good, (for the most part) and I would like these gifts. I do not ask for much but, the few I ask for are big, and expensive gifts so, I understand if you can not give them to me.
As the new year comes, I wish you luck with the elves, raindeer, Mrs. Clause, and of course with yourself. I big you fair warning not to eat to many sweets after tonight! With a weight like yours you should be very, very careful!!! Do you intend to be an organ donor? I do. By, the way do not take this offencely. It is for your own good. I am sure that your wife would say the same thing about you and your helth and it only for your own good. (Where have I heard that before?)
Before I go I would like to ask you these things .
What is your address?
What is your phone number? I need to know!!!
How old are you?
Do you come down the chimney, look at my list then pull out the toys or do you bring down just what I want?
Well, I know you have alot more houses to go to so I am going to let you go. I hope you and everyone else at the northpole have a merry, safe Christmas and a happy, hopefull new year. God bless your soul! Stay warm tonight.
Merry christmas santa!
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.