Previously on nip/tuck: Eden shot Julia in the head, resulting in the classic TV coma-amnesia one-two punch. When she woke up, Sean told Julia that they were still married, Christian and Annie got into a car accident beacuse of paparazzi, and then Colleen Rose stabbed Sean in the back. Also Matt had sex with his half-sister. Twice.
Even though Season 5 had a really nice tragic plot arc, the makers of nip/tuck have decided to pretend that Season 5 is still continuing now. This is lame, but after several discussions with my colleagues of nip/tuck scholarship, I've concluded that they're doing this for three reasons: 1) Season 5 takes place in Hollywood instead of in Miami, and since they'll probably eventually go back to Miami so that the series can end with Escobar feeding Sean, Christian, and Julia to a crocidile, they've decided to call this still-in-Hollywood portion of the show Season 5.2. 2) We're only getting eight episodes this time around, and that seems like too few for a complete season. Obviously 20 episodes is a much more reasonable length for a season. 3) They want to piss me off. It's working.
The episode opens with a be-trench-coated figure entering the MacNamara Troy building. The figure, who in addition to the trench coat is also wearing a floppy hat and face bandages and who is almost certainly either The Carver or Carmen Sandiego tricks the inept security guard into letting her into the elevator. The camera lingers on piece of paper on which appears a mugshot of Colleen Rose and the words "DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES ADMIT THIS LADY INTO THE BUILDING." I wonder why they'd bother with that
Oh, because it's the end of Season 5.1. Finally we get some answers! Annie is on the operating table, Christian is wandering around the office with his arm in a sling, and Colleen Rose is removing her face dressing and searching for a weapon. I have to assume that she didn't bring her own weapon because that popcorn cart full of bear stuffing is both conspicuous and cumbersome. She rifles through drawers in the office kitchen, finding 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. Finally she finds one, and uses its reflective surface as a mirror to apply more lipstick, marking the first of approximately 1400 times this episode that someone will look at himself in a mirror.
Sean surgerizes Annie while Colleen Rose stalks through the office. She happens upon Liz at one point, who is fetching some gauze for Sean, and in classic slasher movie style, she raises the knife to stab Liz, only to have her designs foiled when Liz steps out of the way a moment too soon. Instead of going back into the OR, Liz disappears for a few minutes, presumably to develop breast cancer. Colleen Rose goes into the OR and stabs Sean several times in the back, just like we saw in the season finale. Sean lies on the floor, staring up at her incredulously, and even though thick, chocolatey blood is spurting from his mouth, he manages to gasp, "Your lipstick looks really nice."
I'm actually glad that they reused some of this footage, because at the end of last season I was so preoccupied with the fact that Colleen Rose had just STABBED SEAN IN THE FUCKING BACK that I didn't notice that the blood trails at the corners of his mouth look not unlike the smile wounds that The Carver used to inflict. If only we learn that Colleen Rose has also stolen the Statue of Liberty, my intial guess at her identity won't have been entirely incorrect.
Feeling sudden stabber's remorse, Colleen Rose hugs Sean and tells him that she loves him or is going to make him into a bear or something weird, and she drags him out of the OR to a janitor's closet. Liz, never one for good timing, hears Annie's machines beeping and runs back into the OR just in time to not see anything important. She hilariously slips on the blood on the floor, then starts yelling for Christian to help her stop Annie from having a heart attack or whatever is happening. I say they just let Annie die. The only thing I wanted to happen from last season to this season was for Annie to die, and here they are saving her life. Boo. Also boo on Christian not wiping out in the puddle of blood. Nip/tuck writers have no talent for comic relief.
Colleen Rose washes her hands in a fish tank, just to make sure that Sean's DNA is all the fuck over that office, I guess. She locks Sean and herself in a janitor's closet and apologizes to him for stabbing him and asks how she can help him to not die. Sean tells her to put her hands on his chest and do some sort of CPR thing, and as she's making plans to spend her life with him, he's all, "O happy dagger!" and stabs her in the heart. Colleen Rose looks exactly as incredulous as Sean looked earlier when she stabbed him, and she's all, "I pray you, in your letters, when you shall these unlucky deeds relate, speak of me as I am; nothing extenuate, nor set down aught in malice. Then you must speak of one who loved not wisely but too well; of one not easily jealous but, being wrought, perplexed in the extreme " And Christian, seeing all the blood on the door, is like, "Oh, bloody period!" Then he busts down the door and sees Sean and his Carver-bloodied face is like "ZOMG DID SHE ASS RAPE YOU?!?!" He tries to call the police, but the phones don't work, so he calls Liz, who is a telephone repairman.
(Oh good, a commercial for Bride Wars! That's probably the best movie ever. I can't wait till I get married so I can get in a fight with either Kate Hudson or Anne Hathaway, and hopefully kill one or both of them.)
Back in the present, Sean rides into work in a wheelchair. Apparently getting stabbed in the shoulder makes you paralyzed from the waist down. Liz is sitting in the consult seat because she wants a breast reduction. Her boobs really aren't that big. They're nothing compared to that nun's from last season. Anyway, Christian gives her shit for it, obviously, and Sean also gives her shit for it, because he isn't ready to operate yet because he's a big whiny baby. He's apparently teaching (I guess at UCLA, although I don't recall them specifying), and he'd rather wallow in his wheelchair sorrow than go back into an operating room. This makes Liz upset because she and Christian are mortal enemies who secretly love each other.
Over at what I'm going to assume is the UCLA medical school, Sean is wheeling through a line of plastic surgery students, lecturing them on how much worse they are at life than he. There's a fairly attractive strawberry blonde girl whom I assume he will bang at some point (only to have her be hit by a bus immediately afterward), and also some Indian kid named Raj. Sean talks about time travel and otherwise demonstrates that he has never actually read Einstein's Theory of Relativity, even though it's only like 85 pages, and the students go to work performing facelifts on corpses. He yells at Raj for not doing things exactly his way, and after class Raj goes to Sean's office to apologize for being both 17 and insubordinate. Sean forgives him, and then the strawberry blonde girl pushes Sean around in his wheelchair.
During Liz's reduction consult, Christian finds a lump on her breast. Since Liz is prime breast cancer age (64), she goes to get a mammogram. It turns out that she just has fibrous lumps all over her boobs, but that they aren't cancerous. The doctor is like, "They're probably from coffee or Splenda or something," and Christian is like, "Oh, is that what causes these lumps?" and the doctor and Liz are both like, "You have a lump?" and he's like, " No?" He gets a mammogram, too, and is generally nervous about dying/losing a boob. When the doctor comes back with Christian's results, he's all, "I don't have good news, Dr. Troy. I just found out that I'm black."
The titular character is just some dude who has huge gauges in his ears and needs to get them fixed. Raj sits in on the surgery to be annoying and I guess also because he's going to be a tertiary character this season.
Sean learns to walk again on some parallel bars, and oh good, Matt's there. And he's taking his pornstar baby to see Julia, who does not want to see Sean, since apparently in the interim she managed to figure out that they're not really married, but did not manage to die. Fantastic. Matt tells Sean that he has enrolled at Santa Monica College to slowly pursue his dreams of being a doctor, per the Future Episode from Season 4. Goddamnit. I wish that instead of making that a reality, the would kill everyone. Christian shows up and is surly because he has breast cancer and his hormones are all out of whack. He tells Sean that he hates Raj and Sean is like, "He's my mentee," and Christian is like, "That's great, Henry Higgins!" and Sean is like, "Hey Christian, you know what's really cool? Referencing Pygmalion. Oh wait NO IT'S NOT." Christian continues to bitch and moan about having stage two breast cancer, and Sean and Michael Jackson assure him that he's "gonna beat it."
At a bar, Sean tells Christian about the Future Episode, except that in his explanation it's a dream instead of an episode of the show on which he is a character, and he's like "We both come out alright in the end," which is, of course, what she said. He says something else about watching their children grow up, etc, and I never thought about how much like a married couple they are, what with sharing children and a wife and shit, but it's pretty weird. Sean gets some younger Julia doppleganger to wheel him to the bathroom so that Christian can hit on a girl in another booth. This obviously ends in wild wild sex-having.
While Christian and Sean have sex with the girls (in separate rooms, for once), Christian acts like breasts make him very uncomfortable all of a sudden. Although I don't really like to watch Christian or Sean have sex, what with them being old, flabby white guys, I have to give nip/tuck kudos for finally finding ways to not show nipples while still allowing girls to not wear any kind of underwear at all. The girl Christian was having sex with eventually tires of his bitching and moaning and admonishments about mammograms and leaves. The Julia doppleganger, who is dopplebanging Sean in his wheelchair, lies to him and tells him that it was the "most amazing" sex she's ever had, when it is clear to me and Sean that she considers this some form of community service.
Christian stands dramatically in the bathroom, staring at his boobs, and then breaks a mirror because he hates his cancer. Oddly enough, he's looked a lot worse before (specifically, last season), but now that what's bad is under his skin, he feels the need to break the mirror. If only he could have found a way to break that mirror while running in slow-motion through pouring rain.
WILBUR!!!!! is in the apartment with his adorable puppy. ("Christian forgot to teach Wilbur to talk." Chase Mitchell) Christian asks Liz if she'll adopt Wilbur when he inevitably dies really soon, and she's like, "I guess?" Poor Wilbur. He has had like 1800 parents in the four years of his life. It's going to be even worse when he goes in for a mammogram one day and finds out he's black.
Christian goes under the knife for some masectomy. Sean wheels into the operating room and starts ordering the other surgeons around. They're like, "Get out of here, Sean," and he's like, "Make me," so they push him back out. He can't walk.
Sean goes to Colleen Rose's memorial service. Her sister is there, and says, "You didn't need to come after what she did to you." To reiterate: that's what she said. More people are here than were at Mrs. Grubman's funeral (aka more than one). How sad for Mrs. Grubman. Aside: The music this episode is awesome, which is cool and all, but it's also bordering on Crash-level montage use, which is not that cool. Anyway, Sean imagines himself dead and in the coffin instead of Colleen Rose, and then Angel Colleen Rose shows up with very fancy white glasses to close the casket. Oh but it was a dream! I love dream funerals! Thanks, nip/tuck! But seriously, when I was watching the promos for this season and discussing them with my colleagues, like I said before, we all figured that Sean was still alive, but we also had all seen the scenes of Sean in the casket, and we were all pretty unamiously like, "There's no way they'd do another fake-out dream funeral, not after the beginning of Season 3." And yet, here we are. Fuck dream funerals.
Sean walks (!!! is he FAKING his PARALYSIS?!) into the bathroom and admires his stab wounds in the mirror. Christian admires his masectomy scars, and this time manages to refrain from shattering the mirror with his angry, cancer-riddled fist.
All in all, a moderately auspicious start to Season 5.2. Although it was directed a little too much like a music video for my taste, it was definitely better than the Season 5.1 premier, primarily because Cunt Thermometer didn't make an appearance. I'm so happy it's back!
Slated to happen sometime this season: Haha Kimber wants to inject the baby's lips with collagen. Also Christian apparently has sex with Liz, and Raj's dad wants a penis enlargement. That's like the opposite of all the tranny box-cutting that went on a couple seasons ago.