They don't show Sean standing up in the previously on's, so if you missed that last week, too bad for you. Or maybe they figure that news of Sean's fake paralysis was just all over the blogosphere, if they use words like blogosphere, rendering any additional mention of it redundant.
Gene Shelly is a self-professed "horse person" and he looks like a lady. Not a pretty lady, but like a lady who raises horses on some plateau somewhere. He's going through manopause, with hot flashes and loss of muscle mass and other such signs of corporeal decomposition. Raj corrects me that it's called ANDROpause: "andro" meaning "man," and "pause" meaning "STFU Raj." Christian whines about his breast cancer and Gene Shelly is like "You guys suck at living. How are you going to fix me?" and Christian is like, "Listen, Mr. Shelly, even though I have boob cancer and Sean is pretending to be a cripple, we can make you look as burly on the outside as you feel on the inside." There has to be a TWSS joke in there somewhere.
Christian undergoes chemotherapy, I guess. Liz sits with him and they watch tv and then Christian throws up pea soup from last season into a bowl next to the bed that he and Liz are inexplicably sharing. Christian is like, "I hate vomiting," and Liz is like "Please let me act as your mother," and then Christian calls her "Mommy" a lot of times and I guess wants to suck on her boobs. Probably because he's under the impression that doing so will cure his cancer through some sort of vampiric magic.
Then HOLY FUCK CONNOR. How the hell is he like four and a half now? Thermometer Cunt shows up to pick him up and Sean pretends to be crippled while getting back in his wheelchair, which also looks a lot like he's pretending to be a trout flopping around in a cooler. I thought that Julia didn't want to see Sean, but they seem to be getting along just fine here. She remembers a lot now, apparently, and Sean's like, "Matt says you're still mad," and she's like, "Why'd you lie about being married?" and he's like "Because I was lonely?" and Julia's like "Yeah no shit. Cripple." Then she invites him over for dinner because she's under the impression that Sean's body only works above the belt.
Sean marvels at the fact that Christian hasn't lost hair yet. Christian marvels at his own narcissism. Change of pace. They surgerize Gene Shelly, and although it doesn't really look that cool or anything (it looks a lot like dental surgery, actually), it would be so fun to cut open someone's chin and vacuum out all the fat. That would be a really satisfying surgery I think. Christian bitches about the fact that Sean's still crippled or whatever, because he wants Sean to perform his breast reconstruction, and Sean's like, "Fuh fuh fuh I can never work again." Then he outsources his job to the Indian kid.
Wilbur is here again too! All of a sudden nip/tuck decides to start bringing the cute. Kimber shows up with Jenna and thinks that it's Tuesday (which it is) when really it's Monday (on the show). Art doesn't always imitate life, Kimber. Retard. She HAS to go to a massage (which I assume she is giving), so she leaves Jenna Jameson with Wilbur and the Mexican maid. Christian starts massaging her and then they make out and just when you think it's going to lead to wild wild sex-having, she says she wants to see his scars. But no, she probably doesn't. Christian is resistant to opening his shirt, but when he finally does, the scars don't even look that bad. It's just one line under his boob. And Kimber is being a bitch and calls him disgusting, and she goes into a speech about how it's disgusting because his Dorian Gray portrait finally got destroyed and his outer appearance is finally starting to reflect his horrible horrible soul, but I would just like to remind Kimber that 1) she is a horrible person and 2) THE CARVER CUT OUT HER BREAST IMPLANTS so I guarantee she has equally disgusting scars. Anyway, she says that he has cancer as karmic retribution for all the bad shit he's done to women, specifically her, blah blah blah, lots of flapping her cocksucker. Then he gets angry and shoves her. Kimber is like, "Just because you have boob cancer doesn't mean that you can push around people with boobs," and Christian is like, "I didn't push you! I was just helping you to move farther toward that side of the room!" She bitches at him and walks out, and Christian is like, "Oh man my balls are so blue!"
Sean is at school and he wheels through a room full of his students having mock consults with real plastic surgery candidates. Or if these people aren't really thinking about getting their shit fixed, they should be. Some dude does a good job consulting with a lady's lumpy ass, but then the medium-attractive strawberry blonde girl from last episode is sort of sucking with a patient who is on approximately 86 different medications. She gets all nervous with Sean around, because she wishes she was sucking him, and then she starts poking the lady in the face with a pen. The lady wants to leave and Sean's like, "Thank you so much for coming today," and she's like, "I like the role playing. It's more fun than sitting around watching the soaps all day," and there, ladies and gentlemen, we have a TWSS hat trick. The strawberry blonde girl stares admiringly at Sean and then we cut to later when, just as I predicted, she's giving him a beej. It is during this beej that she decides to reveal her baby fetish, and Sean's like, "Oh my god
" in a way that implies both "this young woman is skilled at performing fellatio" and "Jesus Christ, why are only crazy people attracted to me?"
Then over at the offices, Raj is also getting a beej and is saying the word "mommy" a lot, and there's clearly a mom thing going on this episode, but I'm so glad that they bring it up only when bodily fluids are traveling through someone's esophagus. Anyway, Christian hears Raj moaning and, wondering if someone is watching Van Wilder in the storage room, opens the door and is like, "This is grosser than I expected. Seriously, dude, I know you're 17, but people work here," and Gene Shelly's wife is like, "I was just being a pederast to thank him for doing such a good job on Gene." And Christian's like, "Well next time give him a muffin basket," and I was like, "That's a funny euphanism for 'vagina.'"
Then Gene rolls in with his IVs and is like, "Excuse me, Dr. PRUDENCE Troy? Loosen your chastity belt. We're from the country, so we're obviously weird. We like to have sex with anything that moves, anywhere it will fit. Top that!" Then Raj is like, "Sorry, Dr. Prudence Troy-" and Christian glares at him "-but I have never experienced a woman before. It. Was. GLORIOUS." And Christian is like, "Wow, so I may as well be watching Van Wilder right now after all." But then when Raj leaves he looks all sadly into the middle distance and is like, "
Am I a prude?"
Sean pretends that he can't walk some more while he's "exercising" on his "parallel bars," and Matt is like, "You're practically walking again!" Sean's trainer tries to get him to walk to his chair, because he can tell that Sean can walk, and Sean is really adamant about pretending not to want to walk and the trainer is all, "WALK, SEAN, WALK!" and it's just like Forrest Gump. Then Sean pretends to fall. Sean is hilarious. He could totally win $3,000 on AFV. Matt fires the trainer even though he's Jamaican. The trainer, from the look on his face, takes his leave to place a voodoo curse on Sean.
Strawberry Short Cake washes Sean and she's like, "I want to take away all your pain, drama, fear, semen, etc," and Sean's like, "I'm good, thanks. I really enjoy this pity fucking, just so you know." And she lifts Sean out of the bath so that we get to see his ass (thanks guys!) and she keeps calling him "baby" and it's so weird. And then she shaves his pubes. And I guess that it doesn't end like any part of Hard Candy, but I still wouldn't let any crazy person near my balls with a razor.
Then Christian opens the door to someone who calls HIM baby! (This is so great, writers. Thanks so much for the motifs.) This girl is a hooker. She goes to undress him and he's like, "Don't," because he's afraid of her being grossed out by his not-gross scar, and she's like, "This sort of reminds me of American Psycho, so please don't bite my clitoris off, okay? Or kill me. Like especially not with AIDS," and he's like, "I have cancer," and she's like, "Oh awesome, that's the new AIDS except that it's not contagious!" and he's like "Yeah. Cool." She has garlic breath so he wants her to leave. Her worse crime is having gone to Olive Garden, Christian. He throws her her coat and she's like, "I want my money," so obviously he ends up getting a lamp smashed over his head. Then she takes his money and steals his pills for some reason, and he's like, "Nooo now the cancer will win!"
Christian is despondent and Liz is like, "Where's Wilbur?" and I'm like, "I asked that every episode of last season," and Christian pukes. He asks Liz to rub his back, and she does because she is nice and maternal. She drugs him with some of the GHB he keeps in his apartment and kisses his forehead and makes to go home for the night, but he asks her to stay awhile, to talk him to sleep. This leads to Liz sleeping in the bed with Christian, which in turn leads to her letting him rape her. That has to be a Chuck Norris Fact-level of awesome character trait: taking date rape drugs makes Christian Troy commit date rape. Also, this is why you should never get into a bed with someone who has cancer. Liz cries afterwards because she is a woman, and Christian is like, "Aw man, now she's gonna wanna get married!" In the morning, she's gone.
Christian test-drives boob implants in the office with Raj. Liz shows up and acts sort of awkwardly, and Chrsitian acts like he doesn't know that he boned Liz, but I think he's faking just like Sean is faking his legs not working. Then Raj knows that they had sex because he can smell it or something, and Christian admits that he raped her and he brags about making her come and it's really funny, actually, and then Liz tells Christian that she faked the orgasm and that he's a lousy lay, and Christian is like, "She didn't fake it. Nobody fakes it that good," and every girl in the world is like, "Oh shut up. Of course they do."
Then Strawberry Shortcake puts baby powder and a diaper on Sean's junk, which makes Sean jump up and be all, "Guess what? I can walk, and also you're nuts," and she's like, "Wow, and yes I know."
Raj is singing at the urinal when Mrs. Shelly walk in and reveals that she's a man. And Raj is like, "Oh, so that was gay the other day," and she's like, "Yeah," and I'm like, "Maybe it's just me, but between the angry prostitutes and the homosexual revelations in swanky bathrooms, this is just like American Psycho in only two ways," and Raj asks Liz why she's gay. Because he thinks he's gay. This is adorable because Liz has to admit that the best sex she had was from a man, even though she thinks she's a lesbian. And she says, "Labels are for cans of tuna, not people," and Raj says that he thinks she's "a beautiful lesbian, or not lesbian, whatever [she] decide[s]." That's sweet.
Oh and Julia saw Sean walk so obviously she tells Christian and Matt about it and they're all like, "He's a big baby! Coddled this, letting an Indian kid do your surgery that!" Matt suggests that they push Sean off a pier, which is actually pretty funny and also just like a witch trial, and Christian is like, "We aren't going to drown anyone. I'll deal with this."
He goes home and Sean is pretending to be crippled still and Christian is like, "Sean, we need to talk about you and this chair you're always riding around in," and Sean guesses that Christian is pissed because Sean won't do his boob surgery, and Christian drinks like 6 scotches and tells Sean that he can stay in the chair and be babied for as long as he needs, then runs off to upchuck. And Sean walks in and puts his hand on Christian's shoulder and is like, "Just let the puke become you," and that's how we end the episode. On Christian puking. So I guess Sean stopped being a baby to take care of his friend. I just hope he doesn't fall asleep in Christian's bed by accident tonight.
Lots of androgyny this episode. Androgyny and Oedipal issues. It was a regular Jacobean comedy. Christian is going to die if he loses his hair and Sean gets more virile. Also I guess he might die from breast cancer. Also, not happy to see Julia again, but at least this episode she had pretty due cause to bitch about all the things she was bitching about. Namely that Sean is pretending not to be able to walk. Also I wonder how much longer he can keep up the farce. That girl is in his class, so she'll tell people that he can walk. Of course, Sean could just tell them that she has a baby fetish, and then I guess they'd be even.
Next time: Xtian goes to breast cancer support group and has sex with a lady from the group and she asks him to cut her boobs off. Or her balls, with the way this show is going.