With another Super Bowl just around the corner, it is time for someone to do a full-fleged preview. Considering the fact that I can name all of the Super Bowl champions from 1990 on, in order (I wonder why I'm single?); I believe I am the man for the job. Honestly, Steve Sabol is like my second father. Without further adieu, here are the major storylines:
1. Kurt Warner is back in the Super Bowl. Praise Jesus! After looking awful for a year in New York, then backing up for awhile in 'Zona, he looks like vintage Warner again. I'm thinking Matt Leinart likes this whole back-up thing. He still gets paid, and has more free-time to do keg stands and party with Nick Lachey. It's probably for the best that the game is in Tampa instead of Miami, though. If Matt was let loose on South Beach this week, he would wake up in a pile of strippers in Havana, with no recollection of the previous night's events.
2. Kurt Warner's wife is back in the Super Bowl. Wasn't twice enough, Brenda? I will never forgive ABC for showing her in the stands roughly 5000 times during Super Bowl XXXIV. I was scarred for life that day.
3. Mike Tomlin and his awesome press confrences are going to the Super Bowl! He is a bad man. Every time I hear him speak, I want to run through a wall for him. That's impressive, considering not only do I not play for him, I don't even root for his team. He's that good. I am a Vikings fan, and he used to be our Defensive Coordinator. Now he's gone, but the immortal Brad Childress is still around as the Vikes' head coach. All Childress has going for him is a sweet moustache. I hate my life.
4. Anquan Boldin and Offensive Coordinator Todd Haley got into a shouting match during the NFC Championship, then Boldin didn't even celebrate with his teammates after the game. At least making the Super Bowl isn't a big deal or anything. 'Quan has had quite the season. He requested a trade, had his face broken, now this. At this point, he could choose to play the Super Bowl naked or abruptly leave football to take up professional fly fishing, and I wouldn't be surprised anymore.
5. Edgerrin James was left for dead most of the regular season. Arizona officials chose to close the roof of University of Phoenix Stadium for all home games, for fear of vultures slowly circling Edge on the sidelines. However, since he only averaged 8 more carries per game this season than I did, he is fresh, and suddenly looks like the Edge of old instead of Old Edge. By the way, if you think I'm not bitter that he and Willis McGahee both have looked great in the playoffs after murdering my #2 running back spot on my fantasy team this year you just don't know me very well.
6. Ben Roethlisberger had quite possibly the worst performance ever by a Super Bowl winning quarterback against the Seahawks in SBXL. Considering the fact that the referees were using terrible towels for penalty flags in that game (You can't say I'm not here for you, Seattle fans.), I think Big Ben will have to play better this time around.
7. Larry Fitzgerald is a monster. Not only that, but he will be pitted against Troy Polamalu, the best safety this side of Ed Reed. This match-up is interesting because both are such great players, and also because Fitzgerald plays for the Cardinals, while Polamalu has a family of cardinals nesting in his hair.
8. After exhaustive personal research (I am dedicated to my craft), I have discovered two things. First, the Cardinals have a phenomenal cheerleading squad. I would give five years off of the backend of my life to make sweet music for a night with any of them. If I did have such an evening with one of them, I would even let her stay the night and make her bacon and eggs the next morning. They are that great. Meanwhile, the Steelers don't have cheerleaders. Allow me to repeat: THE STEELERS DON'T HAVE CHEERLEADERS!!! How does this happen? Roger Goodell cracking down on criminals masquerading as football players is all well and good, but he needs to turn his attention to this cheerleader situation, post-taste. It should be absolutely mandatory that all teams have cheerleading squads to lift their fans, um, spirits.
In conclusion, I am expecting a very exciting Super Bowl. One of the best offenses in the league going up against one of the best defenses. The unstoppable force versus the immovable object. A complete clash of styles. The actually, I think I'm fresh out of cliches. Anyway, the prediction: Cardinals 24, Steelers 17.
(Like you really expected me to pick the team without cheerleaders.)