Because of technical difficulties involving my DVR being an asshole, I didn't get to watch the show until late tonight, and am therefore live blogging it. Usually I go back through and add shit to my notes, but I don't have time for that tonight, so I apologize beforehand for how horrible this might turn out to be.
Candy Richards is back! She is my second-favorite recurring female guest star, after Dawn Budge. Now that Obama is in office, we're officially allowed to be as racist as we want, apparently, beause Stifler's mom is just spewing black stereotypes. She claims to be African American, and she wants a "big, round, fat Beyone ass" to be in her rap video. This will doubtless end fantastically. Sean tells her that she's being offensive. Candy/Coco/Stifler's mom shifts freely between the locutionary styles of Dale Gribble and Tracy Morgan as she demands reparations and fulfillment of her Destiny. Guess what the theme is. That's right: miscegenation.
Christian eats sushi and Sean passes him a breast cancer support group pamphlet. Liz tells Christian she had a "big, fat, juicy, bone-rattling orgasm" when they boned. That's probably the grossest thing I've ever heard. She recalls her "independence day" at the age of 21 when she decided to be a lesbian. Now her DESTINY is all screwed up because Christian put his weiner in her. Christian is rightfully like, "You're in love with me?" and Liz is like, "Gah!" and Christian is like, "My cock has mystical powers," and Liz says that she was checking out a muscle magazine in a news stand. Christian says that they need to have sex again. Liz tells him that he's destined to die alone. Well, accodring to the future episode/Sean's dream, he at least dies alone after having sex with two blonde models.
Olivia is in for a consult. Julia is there. Yay! Oh God, Eden moved to Europe to do porn. Olivia looks old, she thinks. She wants a face lift. Julia's skin looks pink like a baby's bottom. She actually looks pretty good, but then again, last time we saw her, she was full of mercury, so anything would be better. Olivia wants lipsocution and also had a change of heart re: western medicine after it saved Julia's life. Sean speculates that they, unlike Liz, still enjoy being lesbians. Olivia says that she wants a "fresh start" in the same way that Julie Cooper says it about marrying a rich guy and then killing him. Olivia tells Sean that they're moving to New York and he's like, "When were you going to tell me?" and Julia's like, "When were you going to tell us you could walk?" and he's like, "Touche." Then he tells her that he loves her and that he misses their ugly lobster-handed kids. Then he emotion-rapes her.
Christian goes to the breast cancer support group. Christian is obviously wearing dark sunglasses inside. He tells a lady that her husband is lying to her about finding her breast cancer scar sexy. A bald lady tries to kick him out, but he tries to sell them breast surgery. He cleverly tells them that "any woman who chooses disfigurement chooses to be a victim." He also talks about Destiny. (They are plugging Destiny on this show like it's Coca Cola and they're American Idol.) Then a lady named Roxy is introduced as evil because she smokes cigarettes. She goes outside to get more cancer and Christian goes outside to fuck her.
Roxy never had breast cancer, but her mom and sister both died from the disease. She thought his Destiny speach was sexy, and he's like, "Be a dominatrix to me," and she's like, "Okay," and he's like, "I'm going to bang you now," and she's like, "Yeah I guess you are."
Banging. Boo Roxy is wearing a bra. I take back my former adulations. Oh wait maybe it's because she's going to cut them off soon. Maybe she should just marry Escobar.