If I had to choose one thing I wanted an episode of a TV show to use for a theme, it would have to be Sluts. If I could choose two things, they would be Sluts and Father-Son relationships. I lucked the fuck out tonight, let me tell you.

The show opens with Christian giving Liz pointers on how to give blow jobs, so you know it's going to be great. Liz says that this marks only the third blow job she's ever given, but last episode she said that she didn't become a lesbian until she was 21, so… there's really no excuse for that. I know that Liz isn't the prettiest princess at the ball, so there's a pretty good possibility that she became a lesbian at age 21 out of necessity, but assuming she didn't, she must have had some sort of handjob-related nickname, because God damn, girl. Christian's like, "Your teeth hurt my dick. Maybe we should never have sex again," and Liz is like, "Oh no, we have Lesbian Bed Death!" He's like, "What is that, a Mexican burial ritual?"

Liz is like, "It's when girls talk instead of scissoring." AKA The Parts of The L Word That I Fast-Forward Through. She gets up to pee and Christian throws her a robe to wear so he doesn't have to look at her naked. I knew this relationship would never last. Not even all the jazz music in the world can save them now. Liz stares at herself in the mirror and cries and contemplates undergoing all kinds of surgeries, specifically face ones. Man, Chrsitian can get anyone to go under the knife. He is like the Harold Hill of plastic surgery.

(Wow, until just now, I had seriously been under the impression that Amy Adams was the star of Confessions of a Shopaholic. This is ground-shattering news to me.)

Speaking of Matthew Broderick, Ricky Wells wants to look older. He looks about 18, because he is. Sean's like, "Well, Ricky, all boys develop at different rates…" Ricky's wife says that she likes him the way he is, young-looking and all, but Ricky thinks that people won't take them seriously as a couple until he looks at least old enough to run for Senate. Then Mrs. Wells reveals that she and Ricky fell in love when he was eight. Wow, Gossip Girl last night was about teacher-student relationships, too! I love when my favorite TV shows have similar themes. We are treated to a Flashback! of Mrs. Wells getting arrested for porking a 13-year-old boy, then immediately having sex with him in a car. Bold move, Mrs. Wells. Flashback! to the future, where Ricky is eightteen and married to his former 2nd grade teacher and in a doctor's office wanting to get surgery so that people will no longer think she's his mother. To make sure no one ever thinks she's his mother, Mrs. Wells yells at her husband for swearing. They are apparently soul mates or some such whooey, and she's four months pregnant. Ricky says that doesn't want to look like his son's older brother. Sean's face is like, "Every time."

At home, Sean teaches Matt how to dissect a turkey. Or maybe it's a fetal pig. A fetal pig would help him more for medical school, but a turkey would help him more for pulling his fucking weight around Thanksgiving. "It's too hard, Dad," Matt says. I honestly forget, did Matt graduate high school? Like, someone remind me, he was at one point considered by the state to be competent enough to enter the workforce, right? I'm not saying that everyone who graduates high school necessarily should know how to find the heart in an animal carcass when his father is pointing to it with a scalpel, but he should have dissected something at some point. Matt bitches and moans that he gags every time he has to cut something open. This from a boy who removed another boy's cocknballs with an X-acto knife.

Raj scrubs in for Christian's surgery and praises his artistic surgery hands by calling them by the names of all four Ninja Turtles. Raj's dad shows up and the music goes all pretty, and Dr. Raj's dad watches proudly while his son prepares to assist a reconstructive surgery. Christian counts back from 100 and the music kicks up a little and gets almost reminiscient of "The Way You Make Me Feel." It makes me want to perform the final scene of Center Stage. (…I hope at least one girl reads this review. God I need to get some testicles.)  Then Linda hits the tunes and "I Am Superman" comes on and makes me want to murder the music director. WTF there are like a thousand better songs about Superman, if you absolutely had to use a Superman song, most notably "Flying Purple People Eater." Use your head, man. Sean stuffs Christian's boob sacs. Matt joins Dr. Raj's dad in the hall, and Sean offers Raj an opportunity to show off and close up so that he can go talk to Matt. Matt has dropped by to announce that he dropped O.Chem. That's no way to become a doctor, Matt. I know O.Chem is hard, but you know what else is hard? Maintaining an erection while fucking a burn victim. Or for that matter, taking it in the ass for $5,000 meth money. Sean is going to have Raj tutor Matt. I smell a buddy cop comedy. Dr. Raj's dad announces that he is in the US to get his dick enlarged. I have a friend named Bob who knows of a product he could try…

Dr. Raj's dad marvels at the American technology and the very big American penis. He asks Raj to perform the penis enlargement. Raj is upset because his widower dad wants to "whore around." Dr. Raj's dad wants to be proud of Raj performing his surgery. Raj is like, "You're right, I'll do the surgery. What other duty do I have? You are my father and I owe you everything." And I'm like, "Hehe he said, 'doodie,'" but also, for real, Raj is going to kill his dad or some shit.

Post-surgery, Christian feels good about himself again and is going to go slut it up on the town. Meanwhile, Liz is at a spa trying to get pretty for him. Christian fucks some girl doggy stye on the couch. Christian has sex with a different girl, also from behind, but this time on the bed and while smiling maniacally. Liz tries on dresses. She walks in to the apartment to find Christian fucking some chick on the edge of the bath tub. (Maybe Christian should close doors or something, I don't know. Wilbur still ostensibly lives there.) The chick has really pretty hair, so Christian let her face him while they did it. Liz yells at Christian. The chick leaves in a huff and forgets to put on pants. Christian apologizes. Liz agrees to go to dinner, but she probably wouldn't agree to go if she realized that he'd fucked two other girls on other pieces of furniture.

Sean ages Ricky Wells. Liz laments Christian's dickholeness. Sean admits that he totally ruined Matt's life by being a bad father and tricking Matt into having sex with a transgendered person. Liz is like, "Sometimes our best isn't good enough," and Dr. Raj's dad is like, "Shh, don't tell Raj that!"

It's evening time. Raj was supposed to tutor Matt, but Matt didn't show up, because he is worthless, so Sean takes Raj to dinner. Notice: Sean likes Raj better than he likes Matt. Notice also: Raj is exactly as related to Sean as Matt is. They eat in a bar. Raj has never had chicken wings before, because his dad made him be a vegetarian to ensure that he would never develop muscles. Sean calls buffalo wings "soul food" because Sean is the whitest person I know. He allows Raj a sip of beer and since Raj is only 17, he's totally going to be an alcoholic. Matt calls Sean and is like, "Yo pops, where's my tutor?" and Sean's like, "We're at a bar having fun without you!" and Matt offers to meet them at the bar, and Sean is like, "Once again, I choose someone else's child over my own. Keep it real, loser I raised."

Christian and some lady undress each other. He tells her his masectomy scar is a knife wound. They have sex. While having sex, his implant moves because Raj didn't close it up right. Oh man Raj is going to mess up his dad's wiener!

Red Bull commercial of Roger Miller's "Running Bear" for which the tag line is "No Red Bull, No Happy Ending." What are you implying, gentlemen?!

Christian knocks on Liz's door super late at night. He shows her his messed up boob thing. Liz's date is all, "What's up babe?" and Christian is like, "I can't believe you're back to fucking people who want to fuck you!"

Ricky's family is at the office to see his new, older face. He has a mustache and thicker eyebrows and a different hairline and sideburns now. He looks different.  Too different for his wife, who is going to fuck his little brother now. Also Ricky's brother is like, "You look like Dad," and the dad is all proud because his son looks so grown up and is going to be a dad. So that's the only healthy relationship in this entire show, and even that is pretty effed up.

Dr. Raj's dad lays on the table before his surgery and yells at Liz for being a woman, etc. Sean tries to soothe him, but then Christian runs in and tells Sean to fix his boobs, and Dr. Raj's dad is like, "What kind of operation are you running here, Doctor?!" and Sean is like, "Haha it's a literal medical operation. Ahem, but to answer your question: a bad one." Raj admits to having messed up the sutures, and Dr. Raj's dad yells at Raj for sucking at surgery, and Raj is like, "Maybe it's your fault, dad," and Dr. Raj's dad is like, "Slap!"


Raj and Matt sit in a parking garage and smoke pot and drink beer. Raj tells Matt how hard his dad has been on him all his life. Raj is like, "Maybe the only way to stop him is to … cut off my hands?" and Matt is like, "Well, I have this box cutter right here, so…" Raj thinks his life sucks and Matt is like, "Excuse me? I had sex with a transgendered person like a dozen times, AFTER both my dads had sex with her, PLUS MY MOM IS JULIA." Raj still thinks that his life sucks and that his dad rides him way too hard, and he asks Matt to slam the car door on his hand. Matt's like, "I have never done anything so violent to a near-stranger before. I am not sure I have it in me to injure you this way," so Raj yells at Matt to make him feel bad, and Matt gets mad and slams the door, and Kevin Spacey in Se7en is like, "Excellent."


Awesome Raj hand reassembly surgery! Apparently there's nothing they can do to save Raj's hand's life. Sean tells Dr. Raj's dad, who weeps. Matt's like, "Sorry you don't love me that much," and Sean says, "The son I have is the son I love," and Matt's like, "So Connor?" and Sean's like, "Yeah."


The jazz music continues. Matt decides that instead of a doctor, he wants to be an actor. Sean hugs him even though that's the worst life decision ever.

Ricky Wells returns home to find his wife making love to his little brother. Didn't see that one coming. He wishes TWHS.

Liz stands in the door of the apartment and watches Christian have sex with some random chick. Christian loves having sex with random chicks. Liz asks Sean if she can talk with him about something. It's something so private that she has to close the door. Sex…?

Liz resigned and is moving back to Miami! More jazz music! I wonder who else will move back to Miami?


Next week: Baby surgery! Hearts & Scalpels portrays Colleen Rose's death/murder/glasses! Some goth chick!