Last Week on Heroes: Hiro bought Ando a supersuit that would've made him look completely leotarded. Everyone got arrested like it was the third act of Casino, then Nathan loaded them on a plane like it was the first scene of U.S. Marshals. Also I made a lot of movie references.
This Week: Claire lunges into the cockpit and startles the pilot with her terrible acting. Not to be outdone, Peter does his part to accidentally murder everyone by breaking the plane with his stupid frozen hand. The fu-jet-ives plummet toward a body of water. Meanwhile on the Las Vegas strip, that enormous neon guitar in front of the Hard Rock Hotel breathes a welcome sigh of relief.
Suddenly we jump 43 hours into the future. Hiro would be extremely jealous if he knew we could do that. We find Nathan on the phone with someone, recounting the details of the crash. He knows Claire got onboard and helped take the plane down. She is so grounded, amirite?? Anyway we're told the plane shattered into a gajillion pieces (actual estimate), and that some of the prisoners have escaped into the surrounding woods. Wait we are gonna cut back to that "spectacular plane crash" we were promised in the promos, right?
Yep, all we get is aftermath. I'd be more upset, but I'm pretty sure it would've looked cheap as shit anyway. Also I guess the plane was thirsty, because all that water disappeared. So we're back in the recent post-crash past, as the now powerless Hiro tears off through the forest, trying to reach 88 miles per hour on his stubby little legs. Instead he falls face first over an embankment, where he finds Mohinder and Matt. Suddenly, and with gunshots nearby, Parkman picks a terrible time to slip into one of those prophetic trances he has these days. He envisions, one can only assume, everyone being shot in the face because he's an inconsiderate asshole.
In another part of the crash site, Noah nabs Peter and Claire. Peter threatens to run, Noah threatens to shoot, and Claire threatens to read her next line. She's all "OMG DAD DON'T HURT HIM!" and Noah's like "Seriously Claire-Bear are you fucking your uncle Peter?"
Claire tells the Company Man that he'll never get away with this, that everyone will find out what happened. Noah looks toward the sky like "tell that to all those airborne explosives." Suddenly the wreckage is bombarded with said missiles, and everything goes up like Heroeshima.
We quantum leap back to Nathan in his office, and he's like "YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED NEXT," so I guess this entire episode is being told in flashback.
In the past again (These powers are such a rush!), Nathan's arguing with that walking corpse of a SWAT captain about what to do with the Heroes. Nathan's all "Arrest them!" and SWAT guy's all "Kill them!" and Nathan's like "Arrest them!" and SWAT guy's like " Arrest them!" and Nathan's like "Kill them! Waaaaait a minute " Then the SWAT guy tells Nathan to do his fucking job, and Nathan's like " aren't I, like, in charge of you?" Only it's hard to hear him with his underwear pulled over his head.
Peter bumps into Tracy near the crash site. She's all upset because there aren't any lobbyist orgies in the wilderness. Peter's like "Come with me!" and she's like "I already did that twice when I said the word 'lobbyist.'"
Daylight. Parkman breaks into a trailer to grab art supplies and (this is only a theory) a giant bag of spicy pork rinds that he eats offscreen. Then he walks out and starts painting. Hiro's like "What's all this?" and Mo's like "leave him be. He's a slave to the trance."
After Hiro's GPS implant pops up on Google Maps, Ando tries to book a flight to Arkansas, but Daphne shows up to superdrag him there instead which saves time, but costs him a chance to finally see Paul Blart: Mall Cop.
Hiro tells Mohinder that he lost his powers. Mo tells him to GTFO. Hiro's like "I KNOW, RIGHT?" and Mo's like, "No, seriously. Leave."
Meanwhile Matt's doodling a picture of Daphne getting shot in the neck.
All of a sudden we see some random-ass kid and his random-ass mom walking down a random-ass suburban street, running their respective cocksuckers about their random-ass problems, and for a second I'm fairly sure I've accidentally butt-remoted it over to The Sarah Connor Chronicles or some such shit. But when they arrive at their house, they find Simmons, one of the agents from last week, Reservoir Dogged to a chair in their living room. Suddenly Sylar slips out from the shadows and singlehandedy saves this series from suck. S.
"You gonna torture me in front of them?" Simmons says. "No," Sylar snarls. "I'm gonna torture them in front of you." So sinister.
Upon arriving at the crash site, Daphne ditches Ando to go find everyone, but he's too busy trying to picture Kevin James army-crawling through a Hot Topic to notice much. Elsewhere, Peter and Tracy take out some guards, and afterwards he tells her he can only hold onto one power at a time now. Tracy's like "That's how I've been with penises, ever since the accident."
At the agents' makeshift base near the crash site, Noah tells Claire that he's working for Nathan because people with powers have to be controlled. Claire storms out, looking for a door to slam. Nathan's like "Control your daughter," and Noah's like "OUR daughter," and Nathan's like "Why don't you ever tell me you love me anymore?"
Back in the present, Nathan tells his telephone that he "never could have anticipated what happened next "
Matt and Mo end up on the hillside where Daphne's supposed to be shot. "This is it! This is where she was shot!!" Matt exclaims, with much exclamation. And yet he still seems thrilled when she comes speeding up to see him. And surprised when she gets shot.
It occurs to Sylar that Agent Simmons passed out and is missing some of the torture, so he taps the knife embedded in his hand to wake him up. He's about to turn his attention toward the mom, when her son suddenly reveals his power: Heating up a mean cup of coffee.
Back at the tent, Captain Corpse hilariously threatens to blow Claire away. But Nathan defiantly stands up to him, all "hey, man maybe you shouldn't kill my daughter." Luckily for Claire's corpus collosum, Noah walks up and escorts her away from the firearm. This is followed by a tense conversation between Nathan and Captain Corpse over who, exactly, is in charge here. Nathan's like "Maybe we can share?" and CC is like "I'm going to kill you pretty soon probably." Just then Tracy phones Nathan and offers to trade Peter in, as long as she can go back to trying to fellate the Washington Monument.
Sylar orders Mr. Coffee to demonstrate his microwaving ability on a nearby Shrinkydink. He says it's the kid's mom who's been holding him back all this time. Meanwhile, with no Mr. Orange around to intervene, Simmons has to unknife his own hands to grab his gun. But before he can do anything with it, Mr. Coffee melts him. When Sylar leaves, the kid follows him like a puppy, telling him he knows where Sylar's dad is. Sylar can tell he's not lying, so he reluctantly takes him on as a protégé, and there are already more substantial villains in this volume than there were in the volume called Villains.
Tracy meets Nathan, with Peter at her back, and apparently she means to turn the tables on the former, but who knows, really. Nathan says even if it's a trap, she can still for serious go back to her life if she gives Peter up. Laser sights appear from the woods behind Nathan and its clear that he's either got backup or there's a movie screen in front of him with boobs on it. Cornered, Peter holds his brother hostage long enough to take his flight power and jets the fuck out of there, leaving Tracy to be once again surrounded by dudes. Secretly, Nathan thanks Noah for not capping his brother.
Back to the present: Nathan is STILL ON THE PHONE. So rude. He tells whoever's on the other end that now, "both sides have tasted blood," which is way too gross to put in the That's What She Said column.
This episode has more endings than Lord of the Rings. First we see Peter, Parkman, Mo, Ando and Hiro planning their next move, which I believe is the biggest convening of Heroes since Kirby Plaza. Or behind the counter at Subway.
Ending 2: Driving toward his next destination with his brand new sidekick, Sylar looks pretty excited I'm guessing because the backseat is full of freshly cooked ham and cheese Hot Pockets.
Ending 3: Back in Costa Verde, Claire receives a mysterious text message warning her to "be ready," either for a rebellion or a purse sale at Betsey Johnson.
Ending 4: We find out it was Angela on the phone with Nathan that whole time. He's like "Mommy?" and she's like "You're on your own this time, dude."
Ending 5: I think there was one more scene with Tracy but my TiVo cut out on me because of the President. Guy thinks he's so important.
To find out what's wrong with him, Hiro visits a doctor with a limp whose specialties include solving medical mysteries and being a dick.
Just kidding. I have no idea.
Bad Ass Moments:
- Parkman turning the agents on each other.
- Sylar's continued existence.
Bad, Ass Moments:
- "Oh, the crash? Dude you JUST missed it."
- Mohinder being a mohindrance to my enjoyment of the show.
That's What She Said:
"I don't know who you are anymore. Either one of you."
"Don't worry about him. He's useful until he's not."
"We do what it takes to survive things we can't even imagine. They're gonna come for us."
Special thanks to Happy Happy Happy Man for Photoshopping Matt Parkman on ecstasy.