Wow, the titular character has almost as many double-letters in his name as Maggie Gyllenhaal(l).
Also wow, those "Previously On"s were positively interminable.
Apparently Manny Skerritt's dick is sooo huuuuge that he desires to have its size reduced. Because he's a yoga fanatic who can't stop sucking on his own penis. Sean's like, "Self-fellatio that's impossible!" He said aliens were impossible, too. What's next, Dr. McNamara? SANTA CLAUS?! Manny gets into his yoga wiener-sucking pose and is like, "I am seriously having such a hard time right now not licking my own dong," and Sean is like, "Sorry, dude, but nobody's ever asked for a peep reduction before. This is totally unprecedented," and Manny is like, "How about you unprecedent my DICK?" and Christian's like, "That's what we're telling you, nobody knows how."
Kimber flaunts her boobs and giant white sunglasses around the office. Baby Jenna Jameson "has just been signed to the hottest baby modeling agency in town." Everything's great except that Jenna's lips are too thin, an issue Kimber hilarious blames on Julia. Christian sends the baby away, as is this show's characters' wont, and tells Kimber that he will never operate on a baby. Kimber is like, "It's not an operation, it's an injection! Jesus, I thought YOU were the doctor here." She tells Christian that she needs to inject Jenna's lips with collagen now so that she won't want to do it later, like her mother and grandfather/mother's lover.
Sean is penning a thesis re: Manny's compulsive autobeej behavior being further evidence of "our Narcissistic society." Good luck with that, dude. He interviews a biker chick for Liz's old job. He wants to bang her because she is blonde and whorish and young. She asks a lot of questions. He asks why he feels like she's interviewing him. She's like, "Maybe I am." He gulps visibly and loosens his tie.
Christian goes to the baby modeling agency with Kimber. It's run by two gay guys. Figures. Gays hate babies. They convince Christian that baby lip injections are the way to go by referencing some hilarious photographs of children with giant Jessica Simpson lips and immobile Nicole Kidman foreheads. Said children are apparently also very rich. When he hears the bit about the vast fortunes, Christian gallantly insists that he will be Jenna's manager instead of the gays. What. Christian is fat. He's going to be like, "Hey fashion industry people!" and they're going to be like, "Did I drink too much nail polish remover or is that minivan talking?"
Dr. Aiden Stone makes his triumphant return to pitch a script to Sean. The script is awesome. It's the story of Sean and Colleen Rose and their undying superspy love. It starts off with Sean (Dr. Aiden Stone) making passionate love to Colleen Rose (Morgan Fairchild wearing giant glasses). Then there's a hilarious scene in which Sean cries on a countertop a lot and then Christian is sitting on the couch, stuffed like a bear. The reveal is so funny. Ironically, even though last season Sean found Colleen on a couch and Bob Lovitz in a closet, in this version Colleen Rose jumps out of the closet with her wrists slit. Then Sean joins the CIA. Perfection. HAHAHAHAHA it's called "Deadly Tightrope: The Sean McNamara Story." He says, "This is my Dances with Wolves," and asks Sean to "kill some Indians" with him. Oh man, Bradley Cooper acted the shit out of that scene.
Over at the baby modeling agency, Christian and Kimber act spoiled as usual and neglect manners in favor of marching into the casting office. The casting lady tells them that Jenna's lips are too thin and vaillainous. It's the same story every time.
Dr. Biker Chick has Nurse Linda take a picture of her and Sean with Manny's dick. Dr. Aiden Stone runs in and is like, "Yo bro get one of me with my lips on it! Wait, is that gay?" With God as my witness, I will marry Bradley Cooper before this day is done. He is the Kramer of this show. Sean yells at Dr. Aiden Stone for being himself and Dr. Aiden cries and arm-flails out of the room, shedding clothing as he goes.
Christian almost injects Jenna's lips with collagen but then doesn't. Great scene. Oh he also leaves plenty of extra collagen around for Kimber to use on the baby. Kimber is addicted to collagen and he knows it. That's like leaving Manny Skerritt's dick around Manny Skerritt. She approaches Jenna all menacingly, not even bothering to pretend that the syringe is an airplane attempting to land on the baby's mouth, AND THEN THEY DON'T EVEN SHOW IT! Those craven bastards. They just show the aftermath, which is all rosy cheeks and champagne and Burberry and gays.
Yoga time! Manny stretches out and Dr. Aiden Stone is bitter because Sean won't let him make a movie of his life, and he tells Manny that Sean took a picture of his ginormous schlong. Stone: "I am a phenomenal actor, and even I couldn't hide my distaste at his dispicable actions." He hypothesizes that perhaps Sean is jealous of Manny's "beautiful, God-given gift" (here to mean both the penis and his own acting abilities) and convinces Manny to get a lawyer. Ruh-ro!
Christian scolds Sean and Dr. Biker Chick for taking a picture of Manny's dingdong. Sean pleads that they were "relieving the tension of being snake-wranglers," which is sort of an oxymoron, because wrangling the snake is probably the best way to relieve tension. Christian makes his exit huffily.
At home, Sean apologizes to Christian for his behavior. It's weird, because even though Matt isn't Sean's biological son, they are equally retardedly impressionable when it comes to girls. Speaking of, Matt rushes in and stabs Christian in the arm with a syringe. Christian is understandably upset, even after Matt explains that he thought Christian had snorted some of his herion after mistaking it for cocaine. They figure that Kimber must have been the one who made their baby beautiful, so they call her and she's like, "Guess what, ugly people who are total wastes of life? Jenna is a bagillionaire. Suck it." And Manny cries quietly to himself.
Speaking of blowing oneself, Dr. Biker Chick tells Sean to do so. She also tells him to sell the movie rights to Dr. Aiden Stone and to stop worrying what other people will think of him or want him to do. She, for example, wants to talk with her mouth really close to his, which in turn makes Sean want to make out with her a lot. I know Sean doesn't care anymore, but I don't think this is a good idea.
Dr. Aiden Stone doesn't like that "going 95 down Sunset's against the law" or that he drove his car into a telephone pole. He wants surgery to clean up the scars in his temples from the neck brace. He also asks for a few extra inches on his junk. He broke his neck trying to pull a Manny Skerritt, apparently. Yeah, Nip/Tuck, we've all seen Clerks. We all know that you die from that.
While Dr. Aiden Stone is out cold, Dr. Biker Chick makes fun of his penis size. Poor Dr. Aiden Stone. Sean takes a picture of Aiden's little pre-enlargement dick and Dr. Biker Chick giggles gleefully and asks him to dinner. He's like, "How about instead you drive me around on your motorcycle while I pretend I'm riding a rollercoaster?"
PS. Man I guess they were really desperate to perform a penis enlargement on anybody.
Christian sits with baby Jenna and tells her how beautiful and perfect she is. As he leaves her at the baby model photo shoot, he pauses and reflects on events from earlier in the episode. MiniFlashback! to Kimber shooting Jenna's lips with collage and Christian walking in all, "Kimber, you suck at this. Give me that needle!" So it turns out that he did endorse the augmentation after all. And then he had the gall to yell at Sean and Dr. Biker Chick about the cock picture. Well I never!
Next week: Christian goes to Miami and wears a stupid hat and asks Liz to marry him! Ugly patient with horrible face barnacles! Sean and Dr. Biker Chick have sex in an open house and startle a realtor! Christian finds out that his cancer is spread and he probably only has six months to live! No word yet on whether he asks Liz to marry him before or after the death sentence. Also there's a 50/50 chance that the proposal or the sentence is a dream sequence.
Happy Valentine's Day this weekend! Try not to get scabies or anything!