Last Week on Heroes: "My girlfriend Daphne is faster than a speeding OH MY GOD SHE'S DEAD"

This Week: The Bennetts sit down to breakfast. Finally finding her niche as an actress, Hayden Panettiere successfully spoons cereal into her mouth in a convincing manner. Then she gets a secret text message from REBEL that says "MUST WARN TARGET," missing the part at the end that says "ABOUT THE LOW LOW PRICES AT WAL-MART." Her mom interrupts her lust for adventure with questions about her Ivy League aspirations. Noah asserts that he'd rather she enroll at a two-year technical school, because seriously it's Claire. But before she can even ask about the Costa Verde Community College cheerleading squad, she gets another text tells her that the TARGET is ALEX, and she can find him in a COMIC SHOP, and to STAY TUNED FOR A HOT NEW OPPORTUNITY FROM VERIZON WIRELESS.

Captain Corpse tells a roomful of agents who they can and can't arrest, and Claire is unfortunately one of the latter. He's like "Also her dad, who I'm positive is not in this room right now, is a homo" and Nathan's like "Actually I'm a homo who IS in this room, and my brow is officially furrowed."

Mr. Coffee is smiling like a fucking goober about his new best fwiend Sylar, who visibly hates his existence. They're still driving, and Sylar's pretty tired of having no earthly way of knowing which direction they are going. Finally he just slams on the breaks and is all "WHERE IS MY POPS?" and Mr. Coffee's like "How about a series of elaborate lies instead?" Coffee (I think we're well acquainted enough now to drop the formalities) seems to get some sick pleasure out of the strangling that inevitably follows, and Sylar only lets up once he finally gets a straight answer. With a destination and travel time at last, they start driving again. Sylar's like "Also quit having fun – this isn't a road trip," and I'm like "Well maybe you shouldn't be playing 'Born to Be Wild' with the volume up, because that's very confusing."

Oh, also Capt. Corpse spots them from a camera mounted on a highway overpass, which is important for later.

Claire goes to warn that Alex guy, who works at the comic book shop. But because everyone knows girls would never set foot in one of those places, he's like "Worst. Prank. E-ver." So as he's fawning all over her barely legal body because he obviously hasn't seen that Clearasil commercial where you find out her torso looks like an awkwardly stuffed pillowcase, Noah walks in to arrest him. Claire's like "RUN!" but Alex keeps slipping on the puddle of ejaculate that has formed at his feet.

Noah starts looking around as Alex and Claire hide hilariously close by. Luckily it's one of those comic book shops where very loud whispers are completely inaudible to people standing two feet away, and Noah has that specific kind of optical nerve condition where he can't see over waist-high obstacles. Claire in tow, Alex runs out of the store and speeds away in his nerdmobile like he's being chased by organized sports.

Hiro and Ando arrive in India to save a bride, because one of Vincent Van Gogurt's futuredoodles told them to. Ando finds her and she's all crying, and he's like "maybe don't get married" and she's all "I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT – you're my hero!" and Hiro's like "I miss being useful."

Nathan asks the government to send more money for his internment initiative, but instead they send him the chick from The Cutting Edge, so he's like "Jesus, how bad is my cell phone reception?" Also she's twenty years older now and not wearing a leotard, so he's all "What do I even do with this?" She says she doesn't believe in superheroes, and he's like "I don't believe you're famous anymore."

Meanwhile Sylar and the kid stop for a night of shenanigans at a rowdy black fraternity house.

Back at Senator Bad Guy Headquarters, the homeland security lady sees Tracy strapped to a chair. She recognizes her – presumably from a White House key party – and is like "This is unacceptable… if it's against her will, I mean." Then she says she's going to shut down the whole operation.

On the lam in Costa Verde, Alex tells Claire his power. He can breathe underwater, which he says he noticed when he was a swimmer in high school, which ruins my joke earlier about organized sports, so fuck you Alex. Then they bail from the car just before it gets surrounded by agents.

Back in India, Hiro is suffering from power envy when the groom-to-be, Deepak, comes looking for his would-be bride. Ando's attempt to rescue her is unsuccessful, and he is immediately captured. Hiro tries to stop Deepak with a loaf of bread which, in Hiro's defense, is exactly as dangerous as a bunch of red sparks. Deepak says he will let Ando go if the girl agrees to marry him.

In a diner, Coffee uses his power to burn a bearded guy's milk, and Sylar's all "We mustn't use our powers for enjoyment. Only for killing." He says you should always have an objective, and his is to find his dad, whom he hopes has Answers. Suddenly the place is swarming with agents. Coffee provides a distraction while Sylar breaks a window, and they both escape. Then Sylar ditches his protege in the parking lot and he gets Tased a lot and I laugh.

Hiro stops the wedding, punches out the groom, and saves the bride.

Claire admits to Noah that she's helping Heroes, and the dwindling number of viewers is like "You are literally doing the opposite."

Homeland Securilady orders Nathan to cease and desist. He urges her to reconsider. She's like "not unless I saw one of these people break free and kill a guy right in front of m—" so Tracy breaks free and kills a guy right in front of her. She proceeds to supplement Nathan's budget using residual checks from several Lifetime films and a percentage of the DVD profits for The Cutting Edge 2.

Claire tells her mom about all of Noah's new lies. "It's starting all over again," she says. "No, this is worse," Claire replies, and it's funny how little the writers realize that that exchange could be used to sum up the entire season. Also I'm actually impressed that Claire's mom keeps finding reasons to be on the show.

Realizing he had gotten really used to being constantly annoyed, Sylar disguises himself in SWAT gear to go rescue the kid. He murders an entire van full of agents, and the scene is almost cool enough to warrant the fact that it allows that little A.J. Soprano lookalike to remain on the show.

Hiro and Ando are hanging out with the bride when REBEL sends them a fax, which is weird because Hiro did not accidentally transport them back to 1995. It says to save Parkman.

Ending rundown:

Noah gets kicked out of the house for his fibs. Claire is hiding Alex in her closet.

Captain Corpse admits to letting Tracy out himself.

Peter and Parkman and Mo kidnap Noah!

Bad Ass Moments:

-"OK, technically I'm a serial killer."

-"You really gotta stop trying to be my friend or I'm gonna have to kill you."

-Hiro's breadsword.

-I honestly keep forgetting how cool Tracy's superpower is.