Valentine's Day was on Saturday and as to not let go of tradition, I spent it alone and of course, writing about how I spent it alone in an embarrassingly detailed article. Like the past three years. I wouldn't want to disappoint anyone by, you know, having an actual date. I know how most people hate change. Well, actually I didn't get asked on any dates and the only person who got me a Valentine's gift was my dad. Which, I don't know if that's a step up from the year the only Valentine's gift I got was a dozen of my favorite flowers, yellow roses, from my one of friends, who's a lesbian. Or the year I spent the entire night lying on my aunt and uncle's couch, watching Dancing With the Stars. I've pretty much come to terms with my singledom, so this year it won't be so depressing when I see other people getting presents and flowers and holding hands. Oh, who am I kidding? We all know I'm about seven years away from succumbing to online dating sites. My friend pointed out the other day that I start about 40% of our conversations with the phrase, "So I was on Netflix the other night. . .", which has caused her to dub Netflix as my new boyfriend. This only made me realize further that I need a romantic life, stat. So although I refuse to actually give in and sign up for Match.com or eHarmony until I'm at least closing in on 30, I started imagining what my profile would look like on one of those sites:
Name: Ashley Garmany
Sex: Not for the better part of 2008. Oh wait, in terms of what this question is asking? Female.
Occupation: Student: 15th year senior; Baristafancy term for "I get paid minimum wage to hit a button that says 'espresso', I also expect you to tip me for pouring your coffee into a cup."
I'm a: woman seeking a man. If this doesn't pan out, will consider woman seeking a woman.
Hobbies: Stalking people on facebook, talking about doing things but never actually doing them, masturbating, talking about masturbating, masturbating to guys' pictures on facebookhaha, jk. But no, really.
Goals: Eventually get my Ph. D. in Psychology. Half, because I want to help people and change their lives. And half because I want people to call me Dr. Garmany, including but not limited to my patients, my friends and my immediate family.
Pen my autobiography. Again, half because I think it'd be therapeutic for me to share my trials and tribulations with the rest of the world. And half because I think it would make an amazing Lifetime Original Movie entitled, She Stood Alone: The Ashley Garmany Story. It would star Tori Spelling as myself and would go on to be nominated for, however not win, an Emmy for Best Made-for-Television movie.
Bring back scrunchiis. Not only are they a fashionable way to hold back your hair, they can double as an even more fashionable bracelet. And in dire situations, they can hold together the engine of a car.
Do you want. . .
. . .to get married? Maybe one day, if I can find a guy who doesn't annoy me. Or maybe we'll just annoy each other equally, so it'll cancel each annoyance out. And we can spend the rest of our lives together, irritated but with really great make-up sex. Oh, and he has to massage my back whenever I ask.
. . .to have children? I like to practice safe sex. And by that I mean involuntary celibacy.
. . .to one day have Christian Bale realize that you two were meant for each other and who cares if he sometimes goes into fits of rage and yells at you using every variation of the word "fuck" so long as at the end of the night you two make sweet love together while Phil Collins' timeless classic In The Air Tonight plays softly in the distance? Yes.
I don't really know how these dating sites work, but I'm sure my profile would get a ton of views and even more subsequent rejections.