I'm not sure if anybody caught Christopher Titus' new Comedy Central special this weekend, but it was really good. He's one of the better storytellers working today, along with David Sedaris and Mike Rowe. In the past Titus has talked a lot about his crazy family. He had that show for a while (which I didn't like, but that's mostly because I'm a girl and all the shit about cars bored the hell out of me) and it was mostly about his family, and none of it has seemed very happy. In this new special, although he talks about divorce and about his family some more, he ends it by talking about being in love. He gets a little 1967 Beatles and argues that if you're in love and you're happy, you don't really need anything else (except maybe an antique car to refurbish or whatever the hell you guys do). The point is, Titus hasn't really cultivated a very joyful personality over the years, but now that he's in love with a Diesel model, he seems sort of glowy.

I think that this special happened at a good time for him to be in the glowy stage of love, because the glowy stage is really hopeful and excited about the future, and our country pretty much needs those sentiments by the fuckload these days. The other stage of love is everything after the beginning, when the love resembles something more like codependence. It's less exciting, but it's also more reliable. In tonight's episode Sean and Christian occupy these two stages, respectively, and that's pretty much all the episode is about. I think it's an interesting thematic choice for the week after Valentine's Day, when everyone is fed up with hearing about love. I expected to be sick of it, but the dichotomy is interesting enough that I didn't throw up all over myself. Also, I am going to say this 100,000 more times before this recap is done, but I am in love with this week's soundtrack. So so much.

We start off the episode with the glowy lovers, Sean and Teddy (nee Dr. Biker Chick), at some restaurant that serves you food in complete darkness. California is so weird, right? That's like paying $300/person to attend an elementary school Halloween party. And you don't even get to dress like Freddy Krueger.

Just when Sean discovers that Teddy isn't wearing any panties, his phone rings because Julia is calling him. Guess why. Let's all play. Sean's guess is that "one of the kids is sick." My guess is that Julia's mercury poisoning gave her cockblocking super powers. We don't get to hear Julia's side of the conversation and we can't see anything except Sean's head, but I imagine it went a little something like this:

Teddy: Don't be lame. Please don't answer.
Sean: JULIA! Which of our children has died? It was Matt again, wasn't it?
Julia: Oh heeeeey, Sean. Whatcha doin'?
Sean: Nothing that's more important than dropping everything and pursuing you. Especially if Annie finally went full-on bulemic or something.
Teddy: Are you serious? My crotch is exposed. If there were any lights on in here, you would be able to see into my birth canal.
Julia: Well I was just sitting here watching Top Chef, and I thought, You know, I haven't talked to Sean since Eden threw my dead life partner's ashes all over us, and-
Sean: Wait hold on a second, I'm buying a plane ticket to New York from my phone.
Teddy: That's it, we're broken up.

She leaves the restaurant, not in a huff, as one might expect, but simply with an attitude of being over the drama. Sean begs her to give him more chances, and she sagely offers that "A rolling stone gathers no moss, and baby, you gotta lotta moss." As she speeds off on her motorcycle, the music turns into an intense diamond commercial, and Sean and I are both like, "I have a feeling this isn't really over." Her character has to have at least, like, three more episodes.

Also, along with the great music this week, sometimes the photography is really awesome. In that last scene it looked pretty sick because it was pitch black most of the time, but even in the outside parts the contrast was really dramatic, like a music video or something.

And now, in the Fakest Scene in Nip/Tuck History, and That's Really Saying A Lot, Because Last Season There Were Aliens, Budi Sabri is a tree boy with a tree virus. He was sent over from UCLA, where Sean may or may not still be employed as a professor of medicine. He also has a piece of shit immune system, because all he had to do was scrape his foot on a tree while swimming and the tree was able to take over his body. Budi, God officially hates you. (That will be important later.) The real kicker is that, in an episode about love, we learn that he scraped his foot on said magical demon tree while swimming with a girl he was totally crushing. And now when he tries to have sex, it's going to be like the rape scene in Evil Dead. No girl is going to go for that. Except maybe this lady: 
As he's telling his story there's more awesome music. I mean Awesome. Music. The soundtrack guy is earning his salary this week. It goes from ambient sinister mosquito noise to 80s pop in, like, a second, and Sean and Christian take a pair of gardening shears to Budi's hands and feet. Per his insidious and ambitious nature, Christian has arranged a press conference for Budi on the morrow. Sean's all, "But your cancer! I thought you'd be more understanding now!" and Christian's like, "Sucks to my cancer!"  He will never have feelings! Never! Kimber's arrival with Jenna necessitates Christian's running off to prevent her from sticking more needles in the baby's face, providing Sean with an opportunity to ask Teddy for a second chance. Because she is hilarious and loves to talk about sex, she says, "If I wanted to be with a pussy, I'd be a lesbian." Oh, Teddy, you are just like your namesake.
She agrees to lunch.

Jenna's face is fine except that is has reverted to its pre-collagen evil sneer. Kimber, who is dressed like a sexy archaeologist, tells Christian to plump up the baby's lips, and when he refuses, she threatens to take Jenna to someone who will do it, but won't do it for free, and therefore is not her first choice. Kimber also tells Sean that Christian facilitated Jenna's previous lip injections. He's like, "But Christian said…" and she calls him "an easy lay in every way." That Kimber. She's a poet who only uses sexually charged metaphors, like ee cummings or John Donne. Sean threatens to have Kimber arrested for child endangerment or baby exploitation or something, and Christian's body language when he says "Damn straight" is hilarious, very dogged. Sean rightfully points out that having been abused himself, Christian should probably understand by now that babies don't like for adults to stick things into them. Christian shrugs.

Sean arrives at Teddy's house to pick her up for lunch and HOLY SHIT MORE AWESOME MUSIC. I really need to go to the symphony or something so I can stop creaming my pants over the Nip/Tuck soundtrack. "Her" house is seriously awesome and expensive-looking. She takes him to the bedroom and immediately begins to undress. Sean: "I guess we could order in…" Teddy: "Or eat out." OH, I GET IT.

From outside the camera dramatically and ironically reveals that this is an open house, and that a realtor is approaching with a couple of prospective buyers. Also, Tim Burton may have directed this episode, because the music is fucking awesome. I obviously can't stop talking about it, but seriously. Sean hears the people downstairs and thinks someone is breaking into Teddy's house. She admits that it's not hers, and is like, "We can either act embarrassed and they'll see both our genitals, or we can buy a house while continuing to have sex." Either because they are back in the glowy stage of love or because his penis is small, Sean chooses the latter. The realtor is like, "Awkward > 7% commission."

So Teddy likes to live life to the fullest, which for her equals riding a motorcycle and having sex all over places other people need to sleep, because I guess she went to Catholic school until she was 28. She's arrived at an interesting time in Sean's life, because I normally wouldn't say that he needs her right now, since he's been single for a while and his last relationship was with Eden, who was essentially the same sort of person, but half the time this show likes to act like Sean sits on his porch all day waiting for the mailman and distributing Wherther's Originals to neighborhood children. For example, when Teddy's all, "What have you done that's so interesting, anyway?" instead of saying, "One time Christian and I watched each other have sex with a girl," he's like, "I fucked a doll once." That's not giving him nearly enough credit. Pretending to be crippled is more interesting than that. Anyway, spoiler alert, but I think that she's just here so that Sean and Christian will have equal motivation to live each day like it's their last.

…Because Christian is still full of cancer. His black doctor gives him six months to live, maybe a few more with scary medicine that will turn his bones to glass. Rather than spend the last six-to-eight months of his life lying around in a hospital like some sort of pregnant woman, Christian resigns himself to an imminent and medication-free death. The black doctor asks Christian if he has kids, and when Christian says yes, he says, "Good, then you won't have to go through it alone," and Christian's like, "Yeah, but my kid doesn't know how to talk."

Later, as he's settling in for a long evening of drinking scotch at home, Christian watches Sean run out of the house giggling with his new girlfriend and realizes that he will never find glowy love again. I suspect that Christian has never experienced glowy love except perhaps with Julia for about fifteen minutes after they had sex on her wedding day, but he still seems to sense its loss more acutely now that he knows he'll never get another chance. He goes to the office and steals a bunch of pills from their pill closet, perhaps to commit suicide, perhaps just so that he can be constantly tripping balls for the rest of his life. On his way out he sees Budi struggling to get back onto his bed on his atrophied little tree limbs and is all, "Oh, so THAT'S what it's like to have your life suck." Budi, whose ridiculous tree appendage things have been removed completely, is really excited to be able to turn on a TV again. I know, Budi, I love TV too. It would probably kill myself if I couldn't watch it anymore because I'd turned into a tree, and Christian asks him if he's ever considered it, too. Budi says no, and in that instant you can literally see Christian decide not to do it either. Tree people are notorious for making the best suicide hotline operators.

Budi credits his tenacity to Hinduism, spouting some shit about how even though he's a tree person, he's still God's creation, the implication being that it's up to God to decide when he dies. He tells Christian to start praying. Nice try, kid. Every time someone asks him if he prays, Christian gives the same answer, and every time the patient tells him that he should pray. Last season he saved Icetub from dying of hypothermia and then bought a nun a necklace. Who knows what will happen this time.

Fucking gorgeous sky. More awesome music. When Teddy's around the photography and soundtrack are awesome. I love this girl. She's like meth. The meth soundtrack was better but I had to look at stupid Matt the whole time. Speaking of drugs, she and Sean are in the desert to do some not-peyote-but-even-more-badass-than-peyote Indian stuff. The shaman says, "You're about to go much deeper than ever before," which is obviously what she said, but also: Whatever, I already saw this last season on Weeds when that superhot shaman gave Nancy this stuff so she could remember all the prostitutes that Guillermo was trafficking through her maternity store. They throw up into bowls and Sean has a trip that's not unlike Homer's in The Simpsons Moive, including weird tree imagery.

We travel to Miami to see Liz via what appears to be a really pretty fast-motion helicopter flight. Christian shows up at her hospital in a silly hat. He's dressed like a sloppier version of Chuck from Gossip Girl, which I'm sure you all also watch so I bet that reference will go over really well. One of the doctors tells him to get the hell out, and he's like, "Relax, I'm a doctor. I know about the sterile zone." Liz and her new friends are operating on an older man who had a broken-heart attack a couple of days after his wife died. He was in the codependent stage of love, which is where Christian and Liz are now, too. This is the stage in which people get married and die. Liz tells Christian that she won't go back with him to Hollywood and cries about how badly he treated her, and he apologizes and asks her to marry him while totally violating the sterile zone. I hope that old guy is glad he got Californian bird flu and died so that Liz and Christian could get married so that when Christian dies of breast cancer, his lesbian widow can raise his mute black adopted son whose mother had AIDS and met her doom by being fucked off a roof. I hope that old guy is okay with all that.

So the next day Liz is back, and we didn't even get a fast-motion helicopter ride back. Christian bitches and moans about something or other, and Sean says, "You're not about to die, you're getting married!" Christian is like, "Actually both," but not out loud, because he doesn't want anybody to know yet. Because Liz is back, Teddy is not present, so the surgery music is lame. Sean starts tripping and imagines that leaves are falling all over him and he hears Teddy's evil girl laughter. She is the evilest girl ever, probably, judging from this laughter. Sean snaps out of the trip and maintains his cool for just enough time to ask Nurse Linda for a scalpel and then immediately imagine that his hands have turned to tree person hands. He excuses himself from the surgery for fear of vomiting Indian drugs into Budi's face wounds. 

While restocking the pill closet, Liz notices that a couple dozen bottles are missing and Liz suspects Teddy of stealing the drugs that Christian stole for suicide. She wants to accuse Teddy, so Christian confesses, "I was contemplating suicide and I changed my mind and asked you to marry me instead." How sweet. She figures out that his cancer is back with a vengeance, and is fairly pissed off that he didn't tell her. After all, Liz loves Christian. They are codependent. He wants to have her around when he dies so that he's not alone, but Liz wants to have him around for the rest of her life, too. Christian doesn't understand love, really, and doesn't get that the dependence goes both ways. Because she doesn't want her heart to explode from being broken, Liz calls off the engagement and leaves Christian write a memo to himself to put the pills back next time he changes his mind about killing himself.

Back in the glowy stage, Teddy leads Sean into an operating room full of weird neo-goth candleabra things and asks him if he wants to do it on a surgical table/nitrous. Just as she's cranking up the dial on the nitrous machine and promising Sean the most intense orgasm of his life, Sean decides that part of this "living every day to the fullest" business involves not dying in a nitrous explosion. Teddy kisses him and tells him it's over (again), and the music is awesome some more as she takes her leave. I really really do love this music so much. It's almost as good as "Robocop."

In the apartment, Christian smokes a pre-embargo Cuban cigar and contemplates the rest of his lonely life. Sean tries to comfort him and urges him to seek treatment, but Christian tells Sean his plan to "live life to the fullest" for the next six months. Sean is like, "Yeah, I've been hearing a lot about that lately." They're both single for the moment, so their codependent love is free to resume its position as the most important relationship in both of their lives, and Sean tells Christian that he "didn't need to get married to avoid dying alone." Christian is like, "But seriously, you should be fucking that girl right now," so Sean goes back to the dark restaurant and pays the waitress $200 to leave them alone for half an hour so he can eat Teddy's pussy.


Christian goes to check on Budi and discovers that the tree stuff has spread. How. This is not a comic book. Christian is like, "Suicide pact?" Ignoring him, Budi says sadly, "I had such hope," and Chrsitian says, "Me too." Budi weeps. Christian hasn't wept yet. He probably needs to. Instead he eats yogurt. He's been eating like a woman ever since he got breast cancer. Perhaps because of this slight tend toward femininity, Liz agrees to marry him. She claims to know him better than he knows himself, and he's like, "Not based on the way you give handjobs." Then there is pretty epic drama music, like from Forrest Gump or Last of the Mohicans or something. God I love the music this episode.

So Sean is forging this crazy new relationship with this crazy new girl, and Christian is getting married to Liz/dying, so it would stand to reason that Sean will get slightly crazier as Christian gets slightly less alive, until eventually Christian is dead and Sean is Christian and whoever they get to replace Sean will be Richie Cunningham or, if we're lucky, Quentin Costa. Sean will continue to get happier about his love for the rest of this season, probably, and Christian probably won't die for a while, but we're going to have to watch him and Liz decline either into completely hating each other or being really really sad when he dies. Either way, I didn't like Stepmom, and I'm not prepared to like this.

Next week: Christian interviews his replacement?!? And he's JUST LIKE CHRISTIAN?!?!?!?!!?