Happy belated Valentine's Day, everyone! How did you spend yours? I spent mine outside screaming at a lesbian. Wait nm that was Lindsay Lohan, who knows that true love can only be measured in decibels. (IDLYITW)

Moving on to people who actually know what sex they're attracted to!

Chris Brown released an official statement this week, apologizing for what 'transpired' between him and Rihanna, but more importantly, denying that he's written anything on Facebook. Glad to see his priorities are in order. (IDLYITW)

19 year old Hayden Panettiere broke up with her 31 year old boyfriend and Heroes costar Milo Ventimiglia this week, after glancing in a mirror. (IDLYITW)

This week, somebody hacked Miley Cyrus' Twitter. Are you sure? Because 'ME AND MANDY HAD SEX N HANNAH MONTANNA WIGS' kind of sounds like something she'd say.(WWTDD)

Last week, Usher's wife suffered a heart attack while undergoing some routine liposuction. Scary, right? Well, no. Turns out that she lied to the doctors and told them she had given birth four months ago when it had only been two. I'm sorry, what? How about try exercising, eating better, or, oh I don't know, GIVING YOUR BODY TIME TO ADJUST TO A SMALL HUMAN COMING OUT OF IT?(WWTDD)

This week Kate Hudson had a stripper pole installed in her bathroom, finally granting her lifelong goal to poop horizontally. (Celebslam)

Jessica Simpson was proud of announce to the crowd this week that she was performing in a skort. Oh Jessica, you're not helping here. Don't you know that skorts are skirts for fat people? Just like cargo pants are pants for fat people. Where do you think they keep all the food? (WWTDD)

Fergie hit the beach this week with a surprisingly hot bikini figure. No bulge or anything! You think it's tucked back? I think it's tucked back. (Egotastic)

In the non-shocker of the week, Michael Phelps will not be charged for his infamous bong picture. The sheriff involved admitted defeat after fourteen banks were robbed while he was trying to bust one kid for marijuana. (DListed)

Great news, everyone! Thanks to Michael Jackson's brother, you will soon be able to relive your favorite part of history in theme park form! No I'm not talking about the Renaissance or the Enlightenment, silly. I'm talking about SLAVERY! Because the Jackson family just wasn't insane enough.(DListed)

This week, when questioned about rumors regarding him and Courtney Love, Mickey Rourke said he'd 'rather be on a deserted island with a gorilla.' Mark Burnett, are you listening!?(WWTDD)

Cleave of the week! This week the distinction goes to Jennifer Love Huge-tits. Wait. There is no way I'm the first person to call her that, right? Get me the patent office! (Hollywood Tuna)

Speaking of cleave in Hollywood, we've got a solid nip slip this week from Pussycat Dolls' Nicole Scherzinger. And damn, that is a nip. Its bigger than a Pog! Bravo, Scherz. (Hollywood Tuna)

Let's go back to our roots real quick, shall we? Here's Naomi Watts naked. If Liev Schreiber asks, it wasn't me. Capeesh? (Egotastic)

Lindsay Lohan went out this week in a dress she plans to return. How do I know? Because the security tag was still on. Lindsay Lohan, redefining class as we know it. (Celebslam)

Ex-Danity Kane singer Aubrey O'Day posed for Playboy this week, but a weird, wax-looking version of her showed up in the magazine. She must be SO. PISSED. (IDLYITW)

And last but not least, this week's Still Got It. Damn there was some heavy competition this week. We had Benicio Del Toro looking worse for wear, Mel Gibson channeling The Colonel, and American Idol's Kellie Pickler with some effed up nose powder. But Pam Anderson stole the show with her way-too-old-for-that bathing suit. Congratulations, Pam! You Still Got Something. (Celebslam, DListed)