Happy Oscars week, everyone! Although, you guys weren't watching the Oscars, right? Because you were watching The CollegeHumor Show on MTV, right? Ok yeah, that's what I thought. See Mom? You weren't the only one.
But seriously, guys!
This week, the Oscars honored Sean Penn, Kate Winslet, Heath Ledger and Penelope Cruz, amongst others. Slumdog Millionaire took home the awards for both Best Bollywood Dance Scene and Director Who Most Looks Like An Alien (there's always next year, Ron Howard).
Also at the Oscars, Beyonce performed and slipped 1/18th of her nip. 'I noticed it while going through the Oscars frame by frame,' said someone who has no life. (WWTDD)
And of course, the best part of the Oscars is seeing what everyone wore. And by everyone I mean the girls. And by what they wore I mean who has the best cleavage. Bombs away! (Egotastic)
This week also marked the 29th annual Razzies, which gives awards for the worst films of 2009. The Love Guru and Paris Hilton won Worst Movie and Worst Lead AND Supporting Actress (two separate movies) respectively, making them the Slumdog Millionaire and Kate Winslet of sucking absolute shit. (DListed)
Alright, enough of this self-indulgent Hollywood crap.
While the real actresses were getting awards, a bunch of girls who probably wish they were actresses were getting nakes! I swear, there's something in the water this week. I count one, two, three slutty photoshoots. Oh yeah, and Lindsay Lohan did one too. Are we still into her? Nay? (IDLYITW, Egotastic, WWTDD, Hollywood Tuna)
So remember how Chris Brown beat the shit out of Rihanna last week? Well, this picture helped me crack the case. The chinstrap made him do it. It's not his fault, there's a direct correlation between chinstrap grooming and tendency to hit people. Just ask the Jersey shore. (Celebslam, WWTDD)
Brace yourself people. Hollywood is gunning up to remake The Neverending Story. Remaking Clue was bad enough, but now this? I can't wait until Falkor is a CGI monstrosity whose face resembles Brad Pitt. Gross. (DListed)
But hey, don't worry, Samuel L Jackson signed a contract this week for 9 films with Marvel. So worse comes to worse, we'll have 9 more mediocre comic book movies to fall back on. Take that, Hulk. (IDLYITW)
"If a woman is over 50 and she wears a see-through shirt, is it still considered a nip slip?" a true zen koan. (Egotastic)
Have you guys seen Coraline? If no, stop reading now because this won't make sense. If yes, holy shit doesn't Posh Spice look exactly like the Other Mother when she goes all psycho!? (WWTDD)
Great news, everyone! You know that crazy lady who just gave birth to 8 babies? She might do a porn! So if stretched beyond the point of recognition vaginas are your thing, keep your fingers crossed for THAT instant classic. shudder (IDLYITW)
God must have been rooting for Slumdog Millionaire or something, because damn is He in a good mood this week. Megan Fox (wait for it) is SINGLE. That's right, boys. So hurry up and you can still not have even a remote chance of getting with her. (Celebslam)
Lily Allen and Lindsay Lohan both got 'shh
' tattoos on their fingers this week as a 'female empowerment thing.' Um, you guys? Staying quiet is like, the opposite of female empowerment. Remember those rape seminars in middle school? Nice try tho. (DListed)
And last but not least, this week's Still Got It. Val Kilmer looking like King Douche was a strong contender, as was Lady Gaga's most recent retarded ensemble. But Nick Nolte takes the cake, really pulling together that whole melting tomato look. Congrats, Nick! (DListed, Hollywood Tuna, Celebslam)