Let's face it: No matter what you do, you can't buy a win in your office pool.

Year after year, something shits in your cereal. Either Rita from account services gets a perfect Sweet 16 by picking only teams with animal names, or you pay attention to that new guy in B2B who has a "foolproof" plan and has you putting UNC/Creighton in the final.

Well, suck no more, faithful reader! That guy in your office who doesn't even know who Dick Vitale is but has seemingly taken more money out of your pocket than a combination of Social Security and that girl you knocked up? He's got loose lips. He tipped me off on his winning ways, and in the interest of fairness, I'm passing it on to you.

Step 1: Pick only schools that have traditionally good football teams.

This year, he's planning on going with an FSU-Oklahoma-Pitt-LSUĀ Final Four. He then started telling me a story about Dan Marino in the1982 Sugar Bowl and watered his ficus. How do you work with this guy?

Step 2: He looks at action pictures of the top players and decides that way.

He said that Haseem Thabeet "looks like he might mug you in an alley," so no dice to UConn this year. Strangely, he compared a picture of Billy Donovan to your boss and just kinda stared for a while. A LONG while. This is getting creepy.

Step 3: Choosing the rival school of whoever Taryn, the hot receptionist, picks.

Dude, you don't remember how she played him at the Xmas party? I don't even think he knows where Duke is, but he picked them because she took UNC.

Step 4: He copied Rita and picked via mascot.

This is the only way Kansas, Syracuse, and Davidson make the Elite 8 this year.

Step 5: He's a patriot, dammit.

He has American University going into the Sweet 16 every year, because "American University should win, regardless of the sport, right? RIGHT?"

(He then stared at me for 5 minutes, and started humming "Glory, Glory, Hallelujah". It was at this point I decided to leave.)

So there you have it. Some handy tournament tips from the guy who avoided getting laid off by naming names about the incident that happened at that seminar in Davenport. I hope they do you well.