Saved By the Bell

Future Career: Junior VP of Accounting Firm, Trophy Wife

If you can correctly recite all the lyrics to "Friends Forever" and had a strong hatred for Valley, then odds are you were one of the cooler kids in your grade school class.  Zach's giant cell phone is now your blue tooth headset that you insist on wearing at the grocery store, and Lisa Turtle's laughable spending ways directly correlate to your non-funny $25,000 of credit card debt.  You take what you want in life, and right now you want nothing more than to be back in college, making out with a random chick at the Pi Kappa annual "Golf Pros and Tennis Ho's" spring party.


Doug

Future Career: High School English Teacher; Convicted Child Molester

While the "cool" kids were too busy frenching behind the swing set and pelting you with gym balls, you took a more sensitive approach to your childhood programming.  You could relate to the soft-spoken nature of the banjo-playing Doug, and soon grew to enjoy all the beautiful and wondrous things in life.  You own several sweater vests and more likely than not have sported a beard.  Sure, your female friends may describe you as being "creepy" and don't seem to appreciate your frequent hugs, but you're confident that someday your Patty Mayonnaise will come along, complete with a wheelchair bound dad.



Pete and Pete

Future Career: Freelance Sculptor, Peace Corps Volunteer

Much like Petunia, the scantily clad tattoo on Pete's arm, you dance to the beat of a different drummer.  Unlike the majority of kids growing up, you reveled in your weirdness, and not only that, you sought out friends who shared your alternative lifestyle.  You grew up and soon learned words such as "retro," "Birkenstock," and "liberal arts."  You enjoy drinking PBR out of a can because it's ironic, listening to Wilco because they are indie, and talking about how you don't own a television.


Rescue 911

Future Career: Police Officer, Fire Fighter

As a child, there were three ways to get your dosage of thrills and excitement 1) talk to a member of the opposite sex 2) multiple servings of Fun Dip 3) watching Rescue 911.  From the Captain Kirk hosting to the foggy re-enactments, you were glued to the edge of your seat every week.  As time passed and you weren't able to find the same enjoyment out of listening to 911 calls of gunshot victims, you decided that you could cut right to the chase and now arrest drivers rolling through stop signs and bust underage parties.



Power Rangers

Future Career: Crystal Meth Addict, Japanese Anime Illustrator

As a child you consumed bright lights and loud noises to the extreme that would have put an epileptic into the ground.  Every Saturday morning you plopped yourself inches away from the screen to watch the Black Ranger kick ass, and though numerous spin-offs garnered your feigned attention, you turned to harder and faster thrills as you got older.  Instead of playing with your Power Rangers action figures, you know spend your afternoons picking at the invisible bugs under your skin and prostituting your girlfriend for cash.  In a cruel twist of fate, your destiny will closely follow that of the Red Ranger as you get more and more desperate for another hit: gay porn.