(Very) Previously on Heroes…

Claire is feeding her closet sandwiches because there's a guy in there named Alex who she's hiding from the government because he has a superpower. His uncanny resemblance to a young Jeff Goldblum had me expecting him to stammer something eccentric and turn into an insect, but Mohinder already did that this season so instead Alex was given the ability to complain a lot and eat sandwiches. Plus he breathes underwater, I guess.

Claire tells him that pretty soon he won't have to sleep on a pile of half-burnt cheerleading uniforms anymore because she plans to smuggle him out of town, and he's all "Who are you? Harriet Tubman?"

Suddenly Claire's mom comes home and demands to know what happened to the $300 that she hid inside her dog's shoes because her dog has shoes because she's insane. Claire's like "Maybe that guy who occasionally plays my brother took it" but her mom is like "I already grilled him," and somewhere off-camera Matt Parkman ties a bib around his neck because he doesn't understand expressions.

Eventually Claire admits to taking the money, and her mom is like "What for?" and I'm like "Please say a beginner's course at the Actors Studio," but she doesn't, and then Mr. Muggles steals Alex's sandwich from under the bed but it didn't look very good anyway so I guess that's OK, Mr. Muggles.

Capt. Corpse is still pissed about Peter pulling a gun on him the week before, because I guess he'd rather die from Cancer of the Everything, so he puts Peter at the tippy top of the Most Wanted list and tells Adam Walsh to sit down and STFU. He's like "I do what I need to do," and Nathan's like "I swear, if you try and kill my brother like eight or nine more times…" Then he quietly hands Capt. Corpse the cup of coffee he asked for and walks away.

Peter, meanwhile, is in Isaac's old apartment watching Fatson Pollack sling paint all over the floor of Isaac's loft as he continues to futuredoodle That Painting That Will Not Be Mentioned.

Over on the computer REBEL sends them an instant message, except it's that fake-ass kind you only see on TV where it's gradually typed across the screen as though it's being written by a ghost.

REBEL says he knows where Daphne is, because she's alive by the way, so Matt and Peter plan to go meet her. Then REBEL is like 'FOLLOW THE WHITE RABBIT' or whatever, so the two of them book it just in time for the Fuzz to arrive. One of them tastes the paint to see if it's still warm or whatever cops do, then he spots The Painting That Will Not Be Mentioned and is like "I think I know where they're headed…"

Claire's mom discovers Alex and is all "What's going on here?" and Claire's like "Lots of banging, I promise," but Alex is like "Wa-hait-a-min-ute, I've seen your alien torso and expansive forehead and would prefer we go with an explanation that isn't quite so humiliating for me." So instead he confesses that he has the same superpower as Aquaman.

Sylar is still on his road trip of self discovery and if he's mainly keeping that kid around so he can periodically shove his face against the glass, it all makes sense now, because that would never get old. Anyway they stop at an abandoned diner because Sylar thinks it feels familiar.

Claire's mom insists that Claire not lie to her anymore, because she's strong, and can handle the truth. And apparently so, because she's the only one who's noticed the sketchy van outside that's been monitoring them.

Claire's mom is like "Are you gonna keep that kid trapped in the closet? There aren't nearly enough black people on this show for a story like that," and Claire's like "I have a plan – I just haven't thought of it yet," and her mom is like "A lot of times you don't seem to know what words mean."

Peter and Parkman are about to storm the building, but not before Peter borrows Parkman's power so that can form a two-man brain raping tag team, and to anyone who doesn't regularly watch the show, what follows would appear to be two men infiltrating a government building through a series of dramatic stare-downs. They find a computer guy and Peter's like "You want to leave this room and let me use your computer," and he's like "These aren't the droids we're looking for" and Peter's like "OK close enough." So Peter starts hacking the computer like it holds the key to unparalyzing the other half of his lower lip.

Claire's mom makes a fake ID for Alex, and tells Claire she and Noah might get a divorce but that it's not her fault, and Claire's like "So it's NOT because I told you to divorce him all those times?" Afterwards she walks in on Alex and sees his 824 pack abs, and she's like "You're the most rippedest person to ever open a comic book" and I'm like "Almost." Then they kiss and I'm like "Fine, I wasn't even into her anyway."

Those new characters from the van decide to do something, namely barging into the Bennetts' home to find Alex, and Claire's mom stands up to them, because this episode is all about her Empowerment.

Peter and Parkman discover that Daphne's been transferred, but their efforts aren't entirely fruitless. Instead REBEL sends them footage of the Heroes' capture (REBEL is one of the show's cameramen, I guess), which they can in turn use to blackmail Nathan and Capt. Corpse. They try to escape, which you would think they'd be getting good at by now, considering it's pretty much all they do, but instead Parkman gets nabbed.

Sylar has been walking around the diner remembering his past, like ya do, and the past it's always black and white and has an awesome soundtrack. Turns out his dad traded him for a tuna melt or something, then went out into the parking lot and fingercapitated his wife. Processing this revelation, Sylar decides he still wants to find his dad, but now wants to smother him with a pillow instead of butterfly kisses.

Angela meets with Nathan in a car and Nathan immediately accuses her of being REBEL, and she's like "Possibly – the writers haven't even finshed the script for this episode yet, much less the next one." Suddenly Nathan's phone rings and it's Peter, offering to trade the stolen footage for Parkman and Daphne. And even though Nathan ends up saving Peter from dying, again, Peter eventually turns the footage over to the media.

Capt. Corpse straps Parkman down with dynamite and shoves him out of a van right in front of the Capitol Building, framing him for a terrorist act. They haven't yet explained Corpse's deep loathing for Heroes, but I'm guessing one of them stole all of his food, beverages, vitamins and medication.

Claire realizes her mom is super cool so they decide to have a movie night, but when Claire goes downstairs to get the popcorn, it's gone. When she closes the microwave door, she's shocked to find that the Puppetmaster has snuck into their house. Only instead of forcing her to feed him grapes while performing a a tumble routine to "Single Ladies," he asks for her help.

That's What She Said:
- "Perhaps there's a better way of doing this."
- "Come with me, OK?"
- "Why are you doing this to me?" (Bonus TWHS Response: "Because you're here and I need to express my feelings.")
- "My father did something to me. Something I forgot."

Next: Mattsplosion!