While all your friends in college could be described as clones of each other; your circle of friends after you step into the real world is much more diverse.  Below is a catalog of all the different types of people you now consider your friends.


The High School Friend.

This guy hung out with you all during high school and did some of the craziest sh*t ever seen at Madison High (Go Bearcats!).  He started working at the FoodMart while you went off to college and now he's uber stoked that you're back!  However, don't ever bring up any lecture, party, or story of a loud fart while you were at school or he'll think you're talking down to him.  He'll respond with anecdotes of that semester he went to community college and that moving lecture when he learned what a noun was.  Genius here wants to party every night of the week and when you explain that you have to be at work at 6:30, he'll say, "Look at mister big shot over here, just so you know I have to be at the FoodMart at five-thirty for the evening rush, so beat that!"



The Marine.

He seemed pretty normal when you knew him in high school but he traded his Skechers and skateboard for commando boots and an assault rifle.  He drinks Budweiser by the case and talks about how he loves killing sand monkeys and defending your freedom.  This maniac will bring a pretty chill party to a screaming halt when he pulls out his hunting knife and sticks it into the table during a game of "screw the dealer".



The Junior Executive.

He's two years out of business school and wears a suit to all your parties.  He can't talk about anything else other than how he totally nailed the Henderson account and is on his way up the corporate ladder.  He drinks martinis at the bar and picks up the check at dinner but when he goes home to his studio apartment he secretly eats dog food and drinks toilet water (he could just as easily use the faucet).  Chicks dig him because there's one thing he is good at: salesmanship… and bullshitting….. mainly bullshitting.  He makes himself look good in the same way a used car salesman makes a '92 green Ford Probe seem like a Ferrari.


The Lonely Co-worker.

This member of your entourage couldn't be more of a pity case.  She doesn't have any friends and she blames it on the fact that she just moved here and neglects to acknowledge that she didn't have any friends in her last city either.  Always keeping her ears open, she waits for you or another coworker to mention anything about after work drinks, a party, funeral, and then jumps at the opportunity to invite herself to the festivities.  She'll be a drag the entire time out talking about nothing but work because that's the only time she ever gets out of the apartment.  She'll also take this opportunity to inform you that you've been fudging a little bit on your timesheets (she'll let it slide this time though).  You keep her around, however, because mainly you feel sorry for her and maybe for the possibility of a drunk hookup.



So just as time passed with your college friends and it was time to say goodbye, so too will this saga have an end.  Your marine buddy will get into an argument with your high school friend and end up stabbing him to death.  The junior exec will have a little too much cocaine one night and end up raping the lonely co-worker.  He and the marine will meet in prison and defend each other against bullqueers until the marine joins them and turns on his friend.  Finally, the lonely co-worker will move to yet another city with high hopes and the thought that surely this can't happen 4 times in a row…


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