First of all, thank you for coming.  I think I can speak for the entire municipal government in saying how shocked and elated we are by the huge turnout.  We've asked you to gather here at the convention center for a very special announcement.  As a token of our appreciation, just for each of you being such a vibrant part of our community, we'd like to send every last one of you on the vacation of your dreams to any other city in America.


I know this sounds too good to be true, but we are very serious about you leaving town.  We're willing to send you off as early as this afternoon, if only to prove how serious we really are.  And the city council isn't picking and choosing among you.  It wouldn't be fair for us to play favorites.  The city council and I earnestly want to send every single one of you away.  To be honest, that's why I'm so excited to see all of you here.  Crazy conspiracy guy, guy just looking for cash for a bus ticket home, weird cough lady.  I'm glad you all made it. Our initial concern was that you may not show up.  For once, I'm glad I was wrong and so many of you are here to take advantage of this once in a lifetime opportunity.

I'm sure you're dying to hear about these tickets, so I'll just get right to it.  Each of you will receive a one-way ticket to any city in the continental United States, with absolutely no strings attached.  The city council settled on one-way tickets, because we thought it might be inappropriate to decide when your vacation ends.  When you decide to come back here is entirely up to you.  Some of you may decide to never come back.  Again, that's completely for you to decide.  Absolutely no pressure.  In fact, when you finally decide you're ready to return to our city " sleep on it for a few weeks.  We'd hate for you to rush back, and then totally regret it.

Now I should let you all know about a certain event going on next week.  In your growing collection of newspapers, you've probably heard mumblings of the nationwide "Cleanest City Competition" starting Wednesday.  In all honestly, we couldn't think of a better time to send you on a dream vacation.  No matter what city you choose to visit, that city is going to be in the best shape possible.  Now despite our greatest efforts, our city has never won that competition.  Most years we weren't even invited to participate.  You guys are in luck, though.  When the competition rolls around next week, you won't be stuck here in this measly old town.

Might I recommend the South?  Personally, I like to vacation in Miami.  The people are friendly and the food is flavorful.  Also, I've got it on good authority that it's not all that difficult to hitch a boat to Cuba from there.  But, hey, you didn't hear that from me.  I don't need my name showing up in the papers more than it already does.

Speaking of your piles of old newspapers, make sure to take all of your things with you.  Shopping carts, random shoe collections, old romance novels.  Your belongings probably aren't safe if left unattended, so make sure to take absolutely everything.  For instance, I'd hate to see you lose all that string.  This tip particularly applies to the man in the back holding the mannequin torso.

I know what you're thinking: Can our city afford to give such a lavish handout to its residents?  Times are tough.  That's unfortunately true.  However, it's still important that we keep our priorities in order.  People come first here, and we think you guys are worth it. That being said, we really need you to leave immediately.  The "Cleanest City" competition starts in two days, and we would hate for you to miss the chance of celebrating it elsewhere.