Gratuitous nudity in films has been a time honored tradition for hundreds of years (or however long films have been made). I should clarify, gratuitous female nudity has been a time honored tradition. It has been the sprinkles on the icing on the cake that is cinema. My most cherished childhood memory is watching Airplane (1980) and seeing a woman run across the screen and seeing only her gigantic boobs bounce up and down. It contributed nothing to the plot, which made it completely gratuitous and completely awesome.
However, a growing epidemic has been sweeping both movies and cable television and it must be stopped: male nudity, or as I call it, dude-ity. In the past few months I have seen more wangs than I can shake a stick at (crude pun intended). The worst part is that I wasn't prepared for seeing a flacid penis hanging out in the open for Man and God to see. There are only two non-erect penises a man should ever see: his own, and the one he sees in the mirror. Erect penises are okay to look at, given that they have either just entered, or are about to enter, a slammin' hot chick.
The most recent examples of dude-ity I can think of involve Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Zack and Miri Make a Porno, Borat, and Watchmen (and yes a blue dick is still a dick). And this isn't limited just to real people. Animated shows are increasingly featuring doodled dongs. Bart Simpson was a beacon of child-like light in a dark world until Matt Groening deflowered him by showing his winkie in The Simpsons Movie. South Park has also showcased the dicks of Osama Bin Laden and supporting characters Terrance and Philip.
What is the cause of this epidemic? Who is behind the c*ck conspiracy? Is this backlash from the Women's Rights Movement? They already got the right to vote and drive, so why do I have to watch a 10 foot frank while I'm trying to eat my popcorn?
So what are we, the male race, the greatest gender the world has ever known, going to do to put a stop to this filth? Here is my three-point proposal:
1. Require that for every 1 second of male genitalia on screen that there be 10 minutes of female nudity to make us forget we saw it.
2. Offer films in both their original cut and in a dude-ity free cut.
3. On screen warning with count-down 10-seconds before a male nude scene.
With your help, the reader, we can fight against the atrocities being committed on movie screens across the nation. Thank you, and be strong brothers.