St. Louis, MO — Four people were shot and killed on Friday afternoon after a gunman opened fire in a local McDonald's restaurant. According to police officer John Riggleman, the events transpired as follows:

"Around 3:30 a masked man entered the establishment, then ran over to and climbed up on the counter. He then held a gun high in the air and said, 'Don't any of you try to be a hero. This is a stick-up. Give me a pile of cheeseburgers or I'll start blowing everyone's (expletive) McHeads off!' Everyone complied to the man's demands, except for one person, who, unaware of the situation at hand, approached the cashier to inform her that she had, ?asked for no pickles, but there were quite clearly pickles present.' She then proceeded to lift the top bun of her hamburger to show the cashier the pickles. The gunman apparently thought this was an attempt to distract and disarm him, so he opened fire. He got off 6 shots, killing 4, injuring 1, and putting a hole in the shake machine with the other. He then shouted, 'Rubble, rubble!', gaily flicked his cape, and then ran out the door."

According to eyewitness Nancy Thompson, the shooter was a, "real McDouche bag."

The slain include Birdie and 3 unknown victims.

Police have announced that they suspect the shooter to be the infamous Hamburglar, a man who has been terrorizing McDonalds' all over the world for over 30 years. Police are actively pursuing the suspect.

Spokes-clown Ronald McDonald was unavailable for comment, but resident mayor, Mayor McCheese, gave the following statement:

"It is a grim day for everyone. Four have died at the hands of a dastardly villain. Mark my words, justice will be served and this man will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the McLaw. My prayers go out to the families of all of the McVictims."

If you have any information on the whereabouts of the Hamburglar, contact local authorities immediately.