I'm taking this English class and the other day we were talking about this story we were reading. In the story there's this guy who is granted three wishes (no, it's not Aladdin) and as the story progresses, you learn about the consequences of the wishes he makes. Anyway, I got to thinking about what I would wish for if I had three wishes. . .except for the sake of having this blog entry be sufficiently long enough, I've decided I would have ten wishes. Because this is my blog. And I do what I want. After much thought and effort, I would now like to share my wishes with you:
I would wish for smaller boobs. I feel oddly disproportionate most of the time, I feel like in order for my top half to match my bottom half, I should be a B or C cup; however, I'm a D cup. I have to wear at least two sports bras when I run. At work, they make it into a game to see who can get the most espresso beans between my boobs. The other day I was changing and I found a piece of popcorn down there. I guess I was saving it for later, maybe a midnight snack.
I would turn my kitchen into a Bruegger's Bagels. It combines my two great passions in life: coffee and bagels. Well, actually my two great passions in life include coffee and anything you can put cheese on (and trust me, there's not much you can't put cheese on without it being delicious).
I would wish for a guy to write a song about me and then serenade me with it. It would be called Hey There Ashley and would feature a 5 minute and 11 second guitar solo, ala Lynard Skynard's Free Bird.
My next wish would be that there would never be a time when I would go into a computer lab on campus and the printer would not be working. Which seems to be the case 90% of the time. One time I went to print out my American History final paperI literally went to three different computer labs and none of them had working printers. I finally had to go into the main library and print it off there. Consequently, that was the first time I ever step foot into a library here on UC's campus. Wait, that's a lie. I went into the College of Law library once, but that was just to use the bathroom. Which brings me to my next wish:
I would wish for a bigger bladder. My doctor says I have an over-active bladder and it has greatly hindered my social life: I always have to sit on the oustide of the booth when my friends and I go out to dinner. Upon entering any new environmental setting, I immediately have to locate and use the bathroom. Don't even get me started on roadtrips. The bathroom at work has also been nicknamed "Ashley's Office." I'm 10 years away from admitting defeat and just wearing adult diapers.
I would wish to be more classy. I feel my level of classiness can be summed up in one photo:
Please note the bottle of Miller Lite in my right hand and, most importantly, the fact that my bra is hanging out for all the world to see. Also, don't forget to take in the half-glazed look in my eyes following beer #4.
My roommate is probably going to kill me for putting her photo up on here, but ultimately she'll understand it was necessary for a visual aid.
I would wish for the 6 hours of my life back that I lost my sophomore year of college and have no memory of. I don't know exactly what occurred in these 6 hours, I just know that I woke up in my dorm room bed with no pants on. My friend Megan was spooning me and I was spooning a loaf of day-old Jimmy John's bread. This marked the first and last time I played the Saved by the Bell drinking game using liquor.
I would wish for more rhythm. Or just rhythm in general. I never realized how truly white I was until this last Saturday when I was willingly and soberly dancing on top of a table at the Hofbrauhuas to the chicken dance. It was at that moment when I looked around at all the other white folk dancing on the tables and realized, these are my people. And my people can't dance.
This wish would be that I would be able to have fewer dirty thoughts. Stay with me on this one. I can honestly say that about 70% of my thoughts are dirty or trying to make something non-dirty into being dirty. I don't know why I do this, but it just happens all the time. One time my Geography professor was talking about caves and how they were dark tunnels and sometimes hard to get into. . .I'm pretty sure I said "that's what she said" like, eight times in my head.
My last wish would be to create a channel that showed nothing but The Golden Girls reruns. That way I could choose any time of the day I wanted to spend some quality time with Blanche Devereaux, Dorothy Zbornak, Rose Nylund and Sophia Petrillo. My four greatest, oldest friends.
In hindsight, I probably should've paid more attention to what my English professor was discussing when we were talking about the story rather than coming up with this list, but oh well. I guess I'll never know the answers to those five-related questions that are gonna be on the final.