The Cheetah Girls 2 (2003)

Fourgirls of indeterminate origin(including our girl ?Raven' from thepopular Disney programme ?Raven' which is about a girl called ?Raven'who can turn into a ?Raven' and then goes ?Ravin'') are the world'sworst synchronised Musical Chairs team in this sequel to the popularclassic ?The Cheetah Girls'.

EveryMusical Chairs contest these girls attend is a hilarious failure(including one scene where the ?sassy one', Jazeela, accidentally kicksa judge in the vagina, and her shoe becomes stuck by suction) and theyare at their wit's end, they need to win the regional final (and its$250 prize money) otherwise their clubhouse is going to be burnt down.This is when Adbingle (the ?cheeky one') meets a man known as ?ThePimp' (played by super rapper Kanye West) and he offers to help themout.

Hesuggests an alternative course of action, that the girls ?cheat' at thecompetition by both sleeping with the judges for money, and releasinglive Cheetahs at all the regional finals (this is where the nod to thetitle we've come to expect from this franchise comes in). Hilariousconsequences follow as the girls raid a zoo, buy new panties, and oneof them even sleeps with lady!

Allin all, I would give this film 11 out of 10 for originality Q out of Zfor script and 8====D~ out of (.)(.) for the saucy stuff! Withsing-songs, a whole bucket load of class and a scene with a man fendingoff a rabid carnivore, this is one I say is, to quote the film's star,Raven(the ?smelly one') ?I bin leanin' on your last nerve shorty!'RECOMMEND TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS.


A Grandpa for Christmas(2007)

Grandpafor Christmas is a film in which a girl's greatest wish at Christmas(aGrandpa) comes true and when it is finally Christmas, she gets aGrandpa(for Christmas).

A remake of cult classic Christmas Grandpa(1953).

Pigs
Thelatest film from the producers of Cows(1981), Llamas(1989) andSheeps(1996), Pigs, is a thriller which will keep you PIGcited for theduration.

Curly Bucket(played by the reanimated corpse of ayoung Elvis) is a constant university(for all American readers, i meanCollege, because over here in England we call the institution beforewhat you call College College) student, but has never passed a singleone of his exams for the entireity of the fifteen years he has beenregistered at Crimplin University(College). This is because of aterrible secret only known to himself: He cannot read or write(quitehow he managed to get into a university in the first place is the firstof many plot holes). His pals come up with a very novel solution tothis problem, it's simple:

Step 1) They take some seriouslysassy and saucy ladies, twenty six to be exact. The kind with bigbazongers(for any English readers i mean Bristols because over inAmerica they use this word for boobies, or tits, guv'nor).

Step 2)They murder these girls.

Step3) They then horribly mutilate each dead girl's torso in an innovativeway to represent a different letter of the alphabet(includingstrangling one to death using her intestines, then using her entrailsto spell out the letter S).

Step 4) They present the dead girls to Curly, thus permanently scarring each letter in his memory.

Thingstake a turn for the pork-chilling when some of the bodies start goingmissing, and are replaced with the bloated bodies of pigs, tattooedwith numbers instead of letters.
Will anyone find out who has beentaking the bodies? Will Curly learn to read before his final exam? WillShakespeare is a famous Elizabethan playwright?

This film hassome very very very tense scenes, including a very very very scary woo one where someone wears a pig's head as a mask and then even eatssome of its flesh! Between two slices of brown bread slathered withvery very very blood-like tomato sauce. Ew! Fried!

This is the best film of the 1800s, without a doubt!


Robocop: Dark Justice
Titularprotagonist, Rob O'Cop, is a bracteapheliac. That is to say that he hasa fetish for metal. Robocop: Dark Justice takes place in an alternateuniverse where weird sexual deviance is oppressed by the law. Furries(look it up) (on second thoughts, don't look it up) and otherbedroom-outcasts are rounded up to face firing squads in gruesomepublic executions. Think 1984, but a bit more perverted.

Needlessto say, Rob O'Cop must try to conceal his bracteaphelia or face beingpersecuted. Luckily, Rob runs into an underground society of for sexualrebels. They help Rob craft a metal suit for himself so that he canbring his pleasure with him wherever he goes. Unfortunately theridiculous suit makes him stand out against the crowed and hisbracteaphelia is soon twigged by the authorities.

Acomputer program depicted by the holographic head of Samuel L Jackson,known only as "Dark Justice" (I find this repulsively racist, but Iguess the 90s were simpler times) is sent on the trail. Only then doesRob discover that running in a metal suit with robotic motions is notthe best way to avoid capture. O'Cop is brought before the Court ofSexual Deviance and Parking-ticket Disputes (in the DVD extras it isexplained that the courts in the future had to multitask due to theeconomic downturn/depression/recess
Including Samuel(2002)

Guinnessworld records. There's loads of them right? There's world records foreating individual dog messes, world records for trampling eagles andeven world records for simply standing on the ceiling accompanied by adog playing the complete works of Beethoven(not that dog!) backwards ona xylophone made of jelly. But none of them are quite as adventurous,or ambitious as the world record depicted in this latestdocument(al)ary from Dan Habib (Paint by Number Twos- A Shit History of(f)Art(2001) and Knobs and Knockers-The Door and Its Uses(2002)).


Itdepicts fifty year old man Samuel Moonpig, who suffers from fictionalWerner syndrome, a bit like in the film Jack(1996) but backwards (whoelse agrees that Jack is Francis Ford Coppola's BEST film, YES) so morelike Benjamin Button really, in a way. Anyway, Samuel has one aim inlife, to be the very last person involved in thousands of en masseWorld Records, and to have it written in the great book itself. Forexample, having the entries read like this:?Most People Mugging One OldLady- 2,000 (including Samuel)'.


Thefilm shows thousands of record attempts, like Sammy trying to beincluded in the world's first en masse ?Front Lap Plane Driving'attempt, which goes horribly wrong when Sammy crashes into twinmaypoles (involved in the world record Maypoling Event) simulating theevents of 9/11. He is then chased through fields and meadows, almostbecoming part of the world's biggest chase scene (93,4567 peoplechasing one man) but misses out by one person. This particular sceneprovoked a massive awww from the audience.


Plentyof characters crop up in this brilliant documentary, including the?Ginger Mirror Breaker', the ugliest Ginger in the world. She goesaround breaking mirrors for a living, using only her livid gingerlocks. It also features rapper Snoop Dogg, in his first feature filmwithout shoes!


TheDVD also features plenty of smart special features, featuring:Alternate Film, Alternate Beginning, Alternate Middle, AlternateEnding, Deleted Shots, Expensive Scenes, ?Watch the film in Gold',Photo Gallery, Undeleted Scenes, Malteasers in a trailer, Pictures ofTrailers and a friendly game where you achieve your own world recordfor watching too many special features.


All in all, All of this film is alright.



The Sum of All Fears(2002)
Respectedactors, Morgan Freeman and Ben (well, maybe not so respected) Affleckplay large headed Sky Lords bent on destroying the earth in a hellishblaze of red/orange.

On first attempt the Sky Lords send theirarmy of RC helicopters equipped with Super-soaker 3000s. This attack isquashed when the earth calls on the help of a giant black silhouettearmed with a Super-soaker 4000. The helicopters are outgunned. The SkyLords fall back to regroup.

Just as the humans think they havewon the day the Sky Lords deviously move the earths tectonic plates sodrastically that the White House ends up being located a few feet awayfrom the Kremlin!

After some panicking, and possibly lovemaking, between some of the minor characters, the Sky Lords are finallydefeated by the erection of several large pikes. Fearing theirperfectly smooth-skinned gigantic faces will get pockmarked, Freemanand Affleck give up their conquest of earth and return to their homeson Mt Paramount. Humans, silhouettes and Mig jets rejoice. Roger Ebertseems pleased.


Thanks.