While trolling Craigslist looking for sensual in-home massages, I came across the official list of prohibited and restricted items that cannot—under any circumstance—be listed on the site. While they go overboard forbidding the sale of everything from prescription contacts to exotic plants to giftcards, they leave one major loophole. You can't sell body parts, you can't sell sex, but NO WHERE does it say that you can't sell other human beings on Craigslist. Naturally, I took inventory of the people in my life and decided to create a few listings…

1. new york craigslist > bronx >  household items
PLz Adopt MY #&$^&# Roommate – $100
reply to: roommateconfession9@craigslist 

Looking to get rid of current roommate. Best if you have other sources of shelter as you will likely be sexiled on a near daily basis. Roommate is very friendly, mostly house broken, always willing to order pizza at 3am. Other perks include her knowledge of every planned parenthood in a 50 mile radius, extensive selection of push up bras, the self-esteem boost achieved while openly judging her for her poor life choices. It would also probably be best if her new home has a single roommate, as she will absolutely try to sleep with your boyfriend. NOT good w/children or daddy issues. Small re-homing fee of $100
HURRY!! WILL GO (homewithanyone) FAST!!

2. new york craigslist >  all new york >  electronics
XBox Player/XBoyfriend – $75 or BeST OFFeR!! RECESSION PRICES!! 
reply to: springflingnowplz@craigslist

Spring cleaning is here and I'm looking to get rid of one overzealous Xbox player/ex-boyfriend. Comes with Xbox live account, impressive "kills" or whatever its called, and an affinity for sleeping with slutty roommates. Smells
overwhelmingly like Cool Ranch Doriotos and Natty Light. Warning: Despite thousands of hours of dexderity-improving controller use, still struggles with unhooking a bra. Won't remember your anniversary but will always remember where the amo holds on each level is located. Decent starter boyfriend/cuddler when bribed with the possibility for sex. Otherwise, takes pudding-like form on couch. RECESSION SPEClAL — MUST GO NOW!!

3. new york craigslist > bronx > collectibles
reply to: hurryimfailing@craigslist

Not quite sure on the exact year, but looks to be around 112. VINTAGEEEEEE!!!! Fails to recognize Wikipedia as a scholarly source or that 8:30am is an outlandish time to be expected to attend class. On the plus side, low&soothing voice creates ideal conditions for napping. Be prepared for the first 15 minutes of every class to be spent trying to turn on the computer. (God help you if there's a projector involved too). Comes with a collection of the eleven mind-numbing books he's written, all of which will be required reading for your course. Finals are in essay format and comprehensive. Keeps track of what family members you've claimed have died, so be sure to double check who you've used already. $60 or best offer

4. new york craigslist > manhattan> baby & kid stuff
Graco SnugRight Car Seat w/ Infant!! – $150
reply to: aboreshuns2expensive@craigslist
brand new, barely used Graco SnugRight car seat.. VERY POPULAR MODEL!! infant currently attached, but can be removed. comfy handle makes an easy 
 transition from car to carry! weighs about 15 lbs but would be lighter without the baby. looking to find a new home for the pair so please dont respond unless you're ready to take both. Had each for under a year. got the car seat as a gift, baby was a surprise (no return policy on either). both in great condition, ts just not working for me. Personality thing. Note: infant cries a lot when shaken, car seat doesn't seem to mind.