With the departure of David Souter, the Supreme Court is once again looking for someone to round out America's 31st most well known collection of 9 individuals (behind the Kansas City Royals starting lineup) and to become our 75th most famous judge (behind Joe Brown). The choice is a difficult one, and since the President has a crapload of things to do already, here are 5 candidates who would make his decision a whole lot easier.


Mr. Wizard

Positives: A wizard, and one more old white guy couldn't hurt.

Negatives: I'm not sure he wants to bring back some of those kids as "character witnesses" at the Confirmation Hearing. Also, dead.

On Being Named To The Court: "I plan to break the excruciating monotony caused by hundreds of hours of listening to oral arguments and reading case briefings by doing some crazy shit with a bucket of dry ice and an old boot."


Master Splinter

Positives: Earl Warren's wisdom, William Rehnquist's sense of morality, Antonin Scalia's body hair.

Negatives: Living in an underground sewer for his entire life discredits him from exhibiting the kind of empathy Obama wants.

On Being Named To The Court: "The 1st, 3rd, 4th, 9th, and 14th Amendments provide a solid basis for ultimately concluding that the right to privacy, though it is not explicitly written in the Bill of Rights, is afforded to all citizens. This is prevalent in previous Court rulings in cases such as Griswold v. Connecticut, the worst of the Vacation movies…haha I made a funny!"

My Roommate From The First 2 Weeks of Freshman Year

Positives: A knowledge of the law that can only be described as suspiciously intimate. Accustomed to frequent robe wearing.

Negatives: Less Ruth Bader, more Allen Ginsberg.

On Being Named To The Court:"Seriously, you wanna know the actual truth about Bush v. Gore?"

David Justice

Positives: He's the only person with the last name of Justice that I could think of, and "Justice Justice" = surefire comedy bronze.

Negatives: Beginning each round of questioning with, "Were you aware that I used to bang Halle Berry on the reg?" gets old.

On Being Named To The Court:"Why was I, former Major League outfielder David Justice, who hasn't been relevant since the '90s, someone who practically no one   currently enrolled in college has even heard of, named to the Supreme Court? This literally makes zero sense."

That Broad With Huge Tits Who Works At The Computer Lab Every Tuesday and Thursday

Positives: Guy, huge tits.

Negatives: I think she's going out with that idiot in the hoodie.

On Being Named To The Court: "Clarence said I should name the right one Plessy and the left one Ferguson, because they are separate but equally phenomenal."