Do not panic. The rashes are normal.

"Ithaca is Gorges." Ithaca is known for two things: bad puns, and high suicide rates. Coincidence?
-Eric Clendening
Arranged Marriage
Do your parents like my parents? Check Yes or No.
-Boo Radley
I love eating baby carrots because they satisfy my needs for vitamins and infanticide simultaneously.
-Brian McFadden
I don't kiss and tell, but I f*cked a girl last night. I can tell you that because I made it clear… no kissing.
-Dan Gurewitch
It was so beautiful out this weekend, I woke up extra early on Saturday to paint my windows black.
-Patrick Cassels
Every camera is disposable if you're apathetic enough.
-Rene B
My girlfriend claimed to have 4 orgasms last night.
I think she's lying but I wasn't there to confirm or deny her claim.
-Jaywin Nguyen
Holidays
Does Samuel L. Jackson celebrate Motherfucker's Day?
-Picked Off
Petition to my Uncle
I want my fucking nose back.
-Greg A
When I'm naked in a locker room, I like to speak in a British accent. I'm trying to make people think that British people have small penises.
-Nick Browne
Last night I got screwed by some guy who sold me 30 dollars worth of what turned out to be oregano… That's the last time I'll go to a complete stranger to buy cocaine.
-Conor McKeon
Wouldn't it be ironic if someone drowned in Lifewater?
-John-Michael Jennings