Smoking kills. Especially when it's a smoking hotel full of people.

I'm a recovering alcoholic in the sense that I like to drink to recover from my hangovers.
-Jon Robbins
I went on a raw food diet. I'm only consuming nachos, hot dogs, beer, and anything else they sell at WWE Raw.
-Adam Newman
I am terrible with the Internet and computers. I realized this the other day when I was online and couldn't find any pornography.
-Justin Perry
My boyfriend and I fight about the future a lot. I want two boys and a girl, and he thinks the Earth is going to be destroyed by robots in 2023.
-Sarah Schneider
I wonder if fish vaginas sometimes smell like human.
-Steve Strzyzynski
I recently gave a speech at a nudist colony. I was nervous, so I imagined everyone in the crowd with their skin off.
-Dan Gurewitch
Fuck swearing.
-Jake Hurwitz
I took the special glasses they give you when you see UP and walked into Terminator Salvation. I got kicked out in 3D!
-Amir Blumenfeld
My favorite part about being a watchmaker is that I can set my own hours.
-Alex Schmidt
I drink a lot. It's not that I'm an alcoholic. I just believe fat chicks deserve a chance.
-The NTC
I've been looking into real estate lately, but the police report calls it "peeping."
-Streeter Seidell
I really want to see George Carlin in concert, especially now that he is dead.
-Jon Early
I'm takin' home the gold…
If my hand is an extremity, does that make masturbation an extreme sport?
-Brent Burelle
Descartes' Playground Comeback
You think, therefore I know you are, but what am I?
-Dennis Nedry
Amnesty International Representative With Too Much Free Time
"Considering the injustice of being chained up against one's own will, banks are the Darfur of the pen world."
-Conor McKeon
I know this black guy who's always talking during movies. He's an actor.
-Patrick Cassels
Why is 20 the age of consent in Germany? Because neinteen was too confusing.
-Ethan Brewer