At a job interview…

Interviewer: Let me just say first off, thank you for coming in on such short notice. At this point, we're just trying to see as many people as possible.

Carl: Oh no problem, thanks for having me.

Interviewer: It's a tough market out there.

Carl: Sure is.

Interviewer: Now, forgive me if I pronounce this wrong, but your name is Carl Dambrozinski?

Carl: Um, actually, that's from my resume from a few months ago, and since then I've decided to change my name.

Interviewer: Alright.

Carl: It's actually much easier to pronounce now.

Interviewer: Oh good. (laughs)

Carl: (laughs) Yeah… I now go by Nazi Carl.

Interviewer: Ah… Alright, um, well Carl, this is pretty much an entry level position—-

Nazi Carl: —-Carl is actually my last name now, so, if you don't mind, I would prefer to be called Nazi Carl, or just by my first name, which is Nazi.

Interviewer: So, Nazi Carl, with who did you speak at the corporate office??

Nazi Carl: You mean "with whom" did I speak…Sorry, I should warn you, I'm a bit of a grammar Nazi.

Interviewer: I don't think this is going to work.

Nazi Carl: Is it because I'm a Nazi?

Interviewer: It's not that, we're just going to go in a different direction.

Nazi Carl: Thank you for the opportunity.

Interviewer: And on behalf of the law firm of Katz, Rosenberg, and Lieberstein, thank you for expressing interest. Have a nice day.

Nazi Carl: You too. Also I'd like to say Heil Hitler.

Interviewer: Please don't say that again.

Nazi Carl: Mein bad.

Interviewer: Or that.

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On a blind date…

Nazi Carl: So, do you go on a lot of blind dates?

Susan: Not really, they're always so awkward.

Nazi Carl: I agree… but when Ben said we'd be a good match, I figured I'd give it a shot, and to be honest, I'm glad I did.

Susan: Well thank you…those are some interesting buttons on your jacket.

Nazi Carl: Thanks.

Susan: So it's safe to assume you're a Nazi?

Nazi Carl: Oh, I probably should have told you when we talked on the phone.

Susan: It's OK. So how did this all come about?

Nazi Carl: How did what come about?

Susan: You being a Nazi.

Nazi Carl: Oh, well I've been taking my son to rallies since he was little, his mother's a Nazi, and then last week I decided to go in and check it out and I liked what I heard.

Susan: Interesting.

Nazi Carl: Plus I've always been something of a Jew-hater, so…

Susan: I'm sorry, but while you were in the bathroom earlier my babysitter called and said she had to go home. I'm so sorry, but it was nice meeting you.

Nazi Carl: Likewise. Maybe I could call you sometime?

Susan: Probably not.

Nazi Carl: There's no babysitter, is there?

Susan: No.

Nazi Carl: Was it the hating Jews thing?

Susan: It didn't help.

Nazi Carl: I should probably save something like that for the third date.

Susan: Have a nice life.

Nazi Carl: You too… ……Sorry about hating Jews! Aaand she's out the door.

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At a nightclub…

Nazi Carl: DO YOU WANT TO DANCE?

Girl: DO YOU HAVE A SWASTIKA TATTOOOED ON YOUR FOREHEAD?

Nazi Carl: YEAH, I JUST GOT IT A FEW DAYS AGO AFTER A HORRIBLE BLIND DATE….IT WASN'T CHEAP, EITHER…2,000 BIG ONES…BUT IT CAME OUT NICE, SO I GUESS IT WAS WORTH IT, RIGHT?

Girl: ARE YOU, LIKE, A NAZI?

Nazi Carl: YEAH, I'M NAZI CARL, NICE TO MEET YOU…. SO DO YOU HAVE ANY TAT—- OH, I SEE, WALK AWAY MID CONVERSATION…YEAH, THAT'S COOL…'CAUSE I BET IT'S EVERY DAY THAT YOU MEET A GUY IN THIS ECONOMY WITH ENOUGH MONEY TO BE ABLE TO AFFORD SOMETHING LIKE THIS, RIGHT?

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At a Halloween party…

Nazi Carl: So what are you supposed to be?

Girl: A sexy cat.

Nazi Carl: Ahh, well it's definitely working.

Girl: Um, thanks. Your costume's pretty offensive, don't you think?

Nazi Carl: Oh this isn't a costume, actually I didn't even know this was a Halloween party.

Girl: I'm gonna go find my friends.

Nazi Carl: I can't say that I blame you.