Here's a response to "The Lost Art of the First Date" by Jake Hurwitz. I realize that the original article was written in 2005, but these tips will remain golden for years and years.

Women do love being swept off their feet, and especially in college, when drunk hook-ups are about as common as drunk hook-ups, a guy who'll take you on a real date is like a gem in a sandstorm. However, I think guys and girls have a slightly different take on what makes a great first date. Therefore, I've added some helpful footnotes to the already useful "Jake's Foolproof Plan for a Sweet First Date," from a Real Girl's perspective:

1. Dinner:
Jake Says:

You're probably thinking you should take her out for a nice fancy Italian dish. WRONG! That's a total rookie mistake, girls love cheeseburgers, they all do. If she tells you she's a vegetarian just say you got her a veggie burger, then later reveal the awesome truth. She'll probably think it's hilarious. When its your turn to order kindly ask the waiter what the most expensive thing on the menu is, once he answers say, "That sounds good, I'll have two."¢ At the end of dinner I tend to think the girls like you to tell them how expensive the meal was, just so they know you're packing some serious cash. Also, sneak in just how large a tip you're leaving. Girls like a generous guy.

Real Girl's input: I would have to agree on this one. Fancy Italian dishes give us gas. We DO like cheeseburgers, it's true. The vegetarian thing though: some girls think that by being vegetarian, they're saving the little piggies and chickens from being slaughtered, and while it's not making any difference, they like to think they're being all righteous and crap. Therefore, if you tell them that for dinner they actually helped contribute to the genocide, they probably won't be putting any other type of meat into their mouths, if you catch my drift. Just get her the damn garden burger. But yeah, we do like a generous guy.

2. Movie:
Jake Says:
Let's go with something artsy. A foreign film even, the kind with the English subtitles on the bottom. Before the previews start I like to engage in conversation by telling her about my SAT scores, padded ever so slightly, and informing her of how many Polo shirts I own. If by some stroke of bad luck she says that her SATs are higher than yours simply change the number. i.e. "Did I say 1350? I meant 1500."¢ This will undoubtedly evoke some skepticism from your date, but don't worry, just vehemently swear to God that you meant to say 1500 and she'll leave it alone.

Real Girl's input: Artsy? Um, no thank you. I go to the movies so that I DON'T have to read. A perfectly sappy chick flick will do just fine. And actually I'm not really interested in your SAT score or how many polo shirts you own. Just tell me about how you worked with the Special Olympics all summer and that your dream home involves three kids and lots of puppies. However, if the SATs do come up, it actually does you well not to change your score. We like feeling smarter than you (even though we're not). And we'll most likely be more inclined to sleep with you later because "you just had it so tough filling in the little bubbles back in high school." A.k.a. pity sex.

3. Dessert:
Jake says:
How about ice cream? Use this time to gab about the movie a little, what you liked and didn't like. I usually like to talk about how the leading actress was "sooo hot"¢, or compare myself to the main male actor, only I suggest that I'm probably better looking and I should have, in fact, been cast for the part rather than him. Not that I have a lot of acting experience, or any at all, but I just think I'd be a sweet actor.

Real Girl's input: Only talk about how the leading actress was "sooo hot" if you're prepared to add "and you're a spitting image of her!" or "but yeah, her boobs were wayyy too big" at the end. And you can compare yourself to the main male actor as long as it looks like you're joking on the surface, but you're actually jealous deep down. If you play it right, bonus for you: we'll end up boosting your ego by agreeing with you.

4. Leisurely Stroll:
Jake says:
The last leg of your date will require a quaint yet romantic stroll through town or around campus. During this walk I like to display my aerobic ability by doing a few cartwheels, I then engage my date to try a few as well, of course I make sure to tell her that mine are better and that she looks like a drunk monkey. If conversation begins to lag, just ask her, "Where do you summer?"¢ You can space out now until she returns the question, now you say, "Wherever the hell I want."¢ Yeah, that sounded awesome.

Real Girl's input: Sounds perfect.


Jake's original article can be found here: //www.collegehumor.com/article:1604003