Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
Issue One Hundred and Twelve
June 9, 2009
Fun out of the sun.
Having fans keeps you cool.
I can't stop checking my symptoms on WebMD. I really need to stop obsessing over whether or not I have
Signs technological acronyms have gone too far
Twitter from an uptight woman
In the women's studies section of the library. The first person to touch me gets a sexual harassment lawsuit.
Snakes that eat other snakes look the same during digestion.
My dad used to always tell me, "When life gives you lemons, drink a Mike's Hard Lemonade." My dad was a gay alcoholic.
Guy that doesn't understand puns
I'm on a seafood diet when I see food, I eat it! But only if it's fish.
Hamlet The Namedropper
"Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him, Horatio."
-"I wonder if Helen Keller ever heard anyone make fun of her"
-"Of course not, you idiot. She's dead."
If you ever get into it with a necrophillac bear, don't play dead.
Life must suck for people legitimately trying to sell tickets to gun shows.
I watch porn on my iPod that way my dick looks as big as a pornstar's.
All the world's a stage. Especially the stages.
I want a tattoo of a sandwich. But it's hard enough deciding what I want at a deli, let alone what kind I want for the rest of my life.
My grandparents were married for 68 years. When my grandmother passed away, my grandfather died the very next day. The doctor said he died of a broken heart. And sternum. When the truck hit him, his neck snapped backwards and it pretty much crushed his spine. His head was unrecognizably maimed. It was actually quite horrible.
What's so "new" about Neo-Nazis? In my opinion their most defining qualities have stayed the same.
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Don't ask me again.