Ethan: Big week. The stage is finally set for the one athletic event that even non-sports fans watch religiously each year: the Australian Open semifinals.
Amir: Who do you think would win in a tennis match? Peyton Manning, or Rex Grossman?
Ethan: Peyton would destroy Grossman. Unless it was doubles, then Grossman/Urlacher would destroy Peyton/Ben Utecht. So what was the highlight of last weekend's NFL games for you?
Ethan: The Bush play was amazing, and he never ceases to impress me. He can just do things on the football field that no one else can, namely rolling three separate taunts into one touchdown catch. The point, the flip, the lame-ass shimmy dance that score truly had something for everyone. However, this means that we won't get another shot at seeing Terry Bradshaw, Investigative Journalist, like his report on the current state of New Orleans before the game. He truly is the bald, talentless, semi-literate Edward R. Murrow for our generation. Were you impressed by the Bears? It felt to me like the Saints were taking over in the third, so much so that I was surprised to look up and see they were still down 16-14.
Amir: The Bears don't impress anybody. They just win games. They can win the Superbowl and most people would still be saying, "Let's see if they can win next year! You're not going to win TWO Superbowls with Rex Grossman at QB, that's for sure."
Ethan: I'm just glad Peyton finally won the 'Big One' so we can stop hearing about it. I do think it's an interesting commentary on how lousy his playoff career has been that "winning the big one" doesn't even involve the Super Bowl, just finally slipping by a team whose starting linebackers are a combined 482 years old. I'll pull for Peyton in the Super Bowl, just so we don't have to hear about that storyline ever again. Give him his ring, let him set some passing records, and then get back to what's really important: recording commercials for any business that can scrape together seven dollars to pay him. On the flip side, someone call the coroner Brady's mojo's been murdered! Speaking of crimes and people your racist dad thinks might commit them: please snitch on your own thoughts on Carmelo and AI finally playing together.
Amir: So far so good. They won their first two games (though against Memphis and Seattle, that's not saying much.) People are concerned about chemistry but they fail to realize that players who look like miniature or larger versions of the other just inherently play well together. I mean, wouldn't AI play mini-me in "Carmelo Anthony: The Spy Who Shagged Me?" Wouldn't AI be the dummy in Carmelo's new ventriloquist career?
Ethan: I've always wanted to see a ventriloquist routine where the human drank water and the dummy riffed about practice. I don't see how anyone could doubt this move in the first place; Iverson is so glad to be away from Kyle Korver and company that he would probably do anything just to get another shot at winning. That being said, let's see how they fare against a real team before we get too excited. You and I beat the Grizzlies 2-on-5 last week, and they never even scored. Fools, you can't go make-it-take-it if you don't have a single scorer! What's new with college hoops?
Amir: Some teams are playing basketball games or something. But more importantly: Bruce Pearl is supporting women's hoops!!! Get him!!!!
Ethan: Got an interesting fact for us?
Amir: Oh yeah. The Suns shot 76 percent from two point land yesterday that's the highest percentage since 1998. They also scored more than 40 points in the first quarter for the third time this year. Every other team in the NBA combined has three 40 point first quarters. I mean, how are you supposed to beat a team that can easily reach 130?
Ethan: Maybe with some sort of board with a nail in it? If Arenas can't beat them in an up-tempo game, then I guess you'd really need the 1995 Knicks to beat them up and play dirty defense. Quick, somebody sign Hubert Davis and Charlie Ward there's a lot of mileage left on those tires.
Amir: And to think, they're doing this all without Kurt Thomas. Scary stuff.
Ethan: Any time you get a guy back mid-season, who could be a star for any team in the D-League, you know you're a contender. So back next week with Super Bowl predictions, but until then, who's winning the Aussie Open?
Amir: "Federer-bot will take it. Not programmed to lose. Will drop one set to appear more humanoid. Need more fuel. Need more fuel."
Ethan: Stop eating my tennis racket!
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