Gentlemen- and I use that term in the most manly sense possible- I am here to enlighten you on "keeping it hetero".  In todays metro/homoerotical world, men need to know when they are "bending the wrong way".  Or "driving in the left lane".  Umm, "brushing from the toilet". Yeah, "sleeping on a bed".  You catch my drift, right? Ya know, "Kissing inappropriate genitilia".

Not keeping it hetero… 

It's the NFL playoffs and you won shotgun for the number one seat in the house.  You are dunking donuts in your beer with your five housemates when you decide to voice your inner-monlogue.  "Reggie Bush looks reeeaaal good in his uniform."

Keeping it hetero…

"Man, effing Reggie Bush, how much ass does that guy get?  (Fart)  What I'm trying to say is, if I was in his position, ya know, different girl- no- hot ass bittie, every night, kiiiiiid!"

Not keeping it hetero…

After a marathon of SNL episodes, The Legend of Ron Burgundy, Wake Up Ron Burgundy, and Talledaga Nights, you have diarrhea of the mouth while appreciating Adam McKay.  "Man I don't care. I love Will Ferrel and he is great, of course, but did you know he cowrites almost all of his stuff with Adam McKay, the guy who just so happened to direct both those movies.  I mean the guy has got talent, I don't know why he never wanted to star in a sketch or movie, sure maybe he's not great looking, but Will Ferrel isn't great looking either. I mean Adam McKay isn't bad looking.  He's actually pretty good looking.  Funny.  Smart.  Good looking, laid back.  Adam McKay.  I don't know.  I wonder about him.  And stuff."

Keeping it hetero…

"Yeah, McKay.  He's funny." (fart)

Not keeping it hetero…

Its Friday night, the start of most people's weekends, but you are on day 3 of a 5 day bender.  You are at Griffs, or Oasis, or Todays, or Sunnys, or Muldoons, or the Patch, the Steer, Mollys, or _______ (insert same bar, different name, in different town) and you're feeling the alcoholic punches the hard stuff will give you.  You try to sneak in a lightie, but a friend is hip to your jive… "What are you drinking?"  "An appletini".

Keeping it hetero…

Just get it over with, your friends won't let you take a night off.  "Two shots of Crown, up.  Microwave them for ten please." (pick your nose)

If you are not keeping it hetero, maybe you don't realize it… Or you're gay.  Both are okay (yay for being politically correct) just know a few simple methods to keeping it hetero.  You'll make everyone else around you more comfortable, and most good hearted people like a well-produced fart. Now, my parting advice:

Not keeping it hetero… "Ciao!"

Keeping it hetero… "Laa(burp)ter"