Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
White Supremacist Disappointed with Fantasy Football Season
January 25, 2007
You know, it didn't start out so bad. During my draft, people didn't suspect anything when I took Peyton Manning with my first pick. Granted, it was a little odd when I went with Todd Heap in the second round, and I was definitely getting some weird looks when I snatched Mike Alstott in the third But I needed a running back! A couple of kickers later, the K.K.Cakes were a decent looking fantasy football team.
Then the season started.
I lost my first couple games by quite a wide margin. The Brandon Stokely injury hurt me, especially because I was already starting Kevin Curtis and a retired Ed McCaffrey. By midseason I had given my all to this league. I had stuck by my principles, never compromised my morals, but I was still 0-6. That hurt.
I had to get a little creative.
I noticed Jason Elam was due for a fake field goal so I put him in at running back He almost got me a point in week 7. I decided that instead of leaving my Defense/Special Teams empty I would pick up Seattle. They just seemed pure to me. Still no dice. A month later I was 0-10 and staring the first zero win season since those 1976 Tampa Bay Blackaneers. I had four games left to get my act together.
Desperate times called for desperate measures. I traded Peyton Manning for Tiki Barber the whitest running back in the
. Then, I figured Michael Turner had a normal white man's name so I gave him a shot. Also, LenDale White seemed like a good fit just by name alone. Luckily for me, both were available on the waiver wire.
I finally had a shot at victory during the last week of the season. Tiki had a big game and I found myself down 30 going into Monday Night Football with Bulger and Kevin Curtis going. Wouldn't you know Bulger had 356 yards and three scores and Curtis caught four passes for a game high 77 yards and I had my first win of the season!
In the end, I had finished the season, 1-13. But I'll take that over a 14-0 record riddled with the stank of a thousand niggers.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.