Here's the thing, guys. I didn't cry when I watched The Notebook. I can understand how people might have misconstrued things, but you guys honestly need to hear me out about this.

So listen, I watched the movie Sunday night after drinking ALL weekend. Like a case and a half just by myself. My eyes were shot. That explains the redness. And they were really tired too, which is why I was rubbing them a lot- especially near the end. Even worse, you guys, my stupid roommate was smoking in the room all day, you know how that is. And we opened a window but then the wind just blows in, and that's even worse. Combine all those things with staring at a bright screen in a dark room for two hours, and your eyes are going to water. It's just basic science.

And if you think I was whimpering then you're just a bunch of fags. It was really cold in that room and I was shivering. Oh yeah, I "hid" my head in my girlfriend's shoulder, okay guys. It's called cuddling, ever heard of it? Or maybe you're just a bunch of homos who don't even have girlfriends.

Maybe – Maybe – my eyes got the slightest hint of moisture in them when Finn died, I'll give you that. But it's only because I had been railing my girlfriend earlier and was still a little sweaty and some of that must have dripped down off my brow. Or maybe they were her tears that fell on my face. Whatever.

Alright, Ryan Gossling is a good looking dude, I'm not going to deny that. No homo. And it's pretty romantic that he builds that house for Rachel McAdams even after she doesn't talk to him for so long. It's romantic enough to make a chick cry, that's for sure. But not me. I'd build the house too. But, you know, for the pussy. Sometimes a dog's gotta bark to get a bone, ya know?

Look, this is what I'm getting at. The part at the end – where you realize it's been Noah reading to Allie the entire time – dude, that's fucking beautiful.  But I'm not gonna cry at that shit. I don't fucking cry.

And then when the camera pans away and you're sure they both die peacefully in their sleep together. You think that made me cry? I could see why you might think so, and I definitely wouldn’t blame a wimpier guy for crying at that, but I didn’t.

Fuck you guys, have you even seen it? I didn't think so. I'm moving out, you guys are such dicks.