Recently the President and CEO of The Walt Disney Company, Robert A. Iger held a press conference from the highest tower of the infamous Magic Kingdom castle in Anaheim California to speak about his new idea of "bringing the ol' classics to the 21st century" by "urbanizing characters and creating more relatable dialogue for a new generation of viewers." Garbed in Mickey Mouse ears with his nickname, "Bob" stitched into the front, he concluded the conference with this simple sentiment, "shits about to get real". To which a mass of young children, the seven dwarves, and Jasmin applauded with approvement.
"This shits been long ovadue, I been watchin' ma 'toons like a muthafuck all summa long bored as shit wit dis weak as shit, can't even get past that bitch as a wimba way mahfucking bullshit from that bitch ass lion movie, Haukuna what mahfuckka? now I getsta see what all them bitch ass mahfucking fogies been creamin' bout son but in ballavision" said 7 year old vacationer Simon Reynolds.
Here is an idea of some of the changes to come from the Walt Disney Company to some of your favourite movies of all time.
Little Mermaid: Ariel can be seen in more scantaly clad clothing that will sport a more ethnic bottom which will play a key part in the new running joke by
Flounder, "Look at dem BINS IN DA FINS". The nostalgic song, "Kiss the girl" sung by Samuel Wright known by millions around the world is also getting an update. "The lyrics will be slightly more edgey and given a fresh youthful beat" says Iger. "Fuck the girl" is reportedly being mixed by T.I.
Snow White: Little people rights activits noteable for their trailblazing work on the show Little People Big World, have managed to change the name of this classic, to "Snow White and the Seven LP's". Look for Matt Roloff of Roloff farm fame to make an appearance as a new CGI version of grumpy. Product placement has been pushed into overdrive with the new reworkings, as Loreal, Jergens, and Dove products are said to play a huge role in the new rewritten plot.
101 Dalmatians: There hasn't been that many changes proposed for the beloved animal movie. The character Perdita is now known as Bitch, while her master Anita is also known as Bitch.
Robin Hood: Robin Hood now has a more ethnic feel to it, "we're talking The Wire shit, hardnosed, edgey, gats instead of bows, the kids will love it". Samuel Jackson is reported to be voicing the lead character, while Spike Lee is the early candidate to redirect the animated classic.
The Jungle Book: "What the fuck? Kids don't read books" Iger said, quickly changing the title of the film to "The Jungle Bluray". "We;re talking explosions, car chases, and sex scenes, that's what kids want to see, not some bear grinding on a tree". Baloo will be replaced by a talking Alien named Zoopy who shoots zoopy out of his laser gun, will partner up with Mogli a rookie cop, green beyond belief. They must investigate the death of Mogli's parents and the evil space orangutans who control the seven circles of hell and are running the biggest cocaine ring in the jungle" said Iger with a straight face.
There are obviously lots of changes ahead for this beloved American company, keep your eyes open, and please if you hear anything feel free to post news and information about other Disney films and what liberties Iger and company might be taking while Walt rolls in his ice chamber.