Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
Jared Vs. The 72 oz Steak
July 20, 2009
In the old western town of Amarillo (thats spanish for yellow!) there is a legendary challenge. Here is my attempt
The Big Texan challenge. Eat a 72 oz steak, deep fried shrimp cocktail, baked potato, salad, and dinner roll. All in 1 hour. If you do, you win eternal glory, and a free meal. If you don't it's 72 dollars, and they rape you out back.
At first I try and play it cool. Scan the menu what? No sushi? No tapas? Ok, well what kinda steaks you got?
After ordering the Big Texan, I write out my last will and testament. I ask to be buried at my favorite college dive bar. Or cremate me and put my ashes in their fishbowl drinks. It can't make them any worse .
I watch them grill my steak as the clock stares me down. 6000 minutes?! I can totally do that!!
Right before the steak comes out, I give my stomach a motivational talk. "Enough of this JV bullshit stomach. We win this, it's on the Iowa State Fair funnel cake festival."
The steak arrives! At first, neither of us move. We just stare, probing each other for weaknesses. I read somewhere that the Big Texan's visual equity is based on movement.
Suddenly, the steak lashes out with a barrage of insults about my mother and privatized health care. Apparently this cow was a European backpacker before the slaughter!
I dig in. This steak is so big it has a gravitational pull that brings my hand near it.
20 minutes in and I've already ate half! Soon it's gonna be fast cars, big bucks, and lose woman for Jared!
At 40 minutes in, I hit the wall. I have ingested so much red meat I begin to hallucinate. I see the cow I am eating. Her name is Sasha and she was on her way to Ibiza to trip balls before she was slaughtered. We make amends.
After filling up one lung with steak, I can take no more. I am bested. All that remains was the roll, a 1/4 of the potato, and a small amount of steak.
17.8 oz is the small amount. I swear to God that steak was regenerating! Not bad for a green horn, though. I feel that Red Barklay and Tony Randall would be pround. (Simpsons reference)
Obligatory vomiting shot.
Well in the end I failed, and have decieded to get out of the competetive eating game. Sure the glitz and glamour are attractive, but they are not worth my soul .or the lack of regular bowel movements.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.