I was on the phone last week with an old friend from college. The topic turned to a young lady whom we both knew and found hot. I revealed to him I had the opportunity awhile back to hook up with her, but never pulled the trigger.
He then hung up on me.
After calling me back, he was livid to hear about my missed shot at glory. It made me think about other times when I didn't go for it. Some of them made sense, (not attractive, there were other people in the room, in class) but to the others? I feel the need to apologize.
To the IGNORANTLY hot girl senior year:
I'm sorry I stopped mid-makeout to take you home and promptly never called again. To be fair, you were seriously the worst kisser in the history of America. I tried to ignore it, but it's obvious you were never taught to kiss.
You may have skated by in life with that wack kiss game because you were hot, but that shit don't fly where I come from.
To the girl I met at Bullwinkle's that one time:
First off, you were very cute. I'm sorry I kept insulting you like that.
I can't blame you for getting mad and leaving. See, my bud Geoff had just introduced me to this guy Tucker Max. I completely missed the point on how dude operates and thought that white women went crazy for guys saying ignorant shit to them.
I was mis-informed.
To the girl at that apartment party during FAMU homecoming 2006:
Baby, you looked AMAZING (from what I remember). I'm sorry that we never went into that room. You see, I knew if we went in there, I might have to..well, produce.
While I should have manned up and proceeded to lay more pipe than Lexington Steele and Super Mario combined, it wasn't my fault. Besides, have you ever HAD Hennessey? That shit ain't right.
To that girl in that super-dive in Chicago last year:
I'm sorry I didn't escalate the situation with you. I must confess I was leading you astray.
You see, your tits were HUGE. So huge in fact, that none of the females in my party believed they were real.
Being a former Encyclopedia Brown enthusiast, I undertook the task of solving The Mystery of the Saline Switcheroo. I was trying my best to hook it up with you, I swear!
Unfortunately, my friend threw up. You offered your number, but I had what I came for, so I declined.
However, you DID let me cop a feel in the middle of the bar, and for that, I thank you.
Was what I did disrespectful? Yes.
Were your boobs real? I don't think so.
There, I'm happy I got that off my chest. I hope you all are doing well, and if you're reading this and want to get together
You know where to find me.