Ethan: Moment of silence for Barbaro?
Amir: Okay, that's long enough.
Ethan: On to sports news people care about how excited are you for the Super Bowl? This one's historic. The Manning family could get its first ring, and the Grossman family, well, they're just excited about free bus tickets to Miami. And for the first time ever, the Super Bowl features two African-American players or something. Who do you like?
Amir: I'm trying to determine who to root for by the best human interest stories. Lovie Smith is from a small town, so that's one point for him. Dungy's son comitted suicide, AND Wayne's brother died this year. So those are two notches for the Colts. Turns out Nathan Vasher's mom is BiPolar, so she can't see her son play. This is looking like a close game! Who do you think is going to win?
Ethan: I'll tell you who the real winners are going to be: people who like commercials.
Amir: SuperBowl commercials truly are the SuperBowl of commercials.
Ethan: This is the biggest football game of the year and truly the marquee event in all of sports. You can't talk about the game while it's going on, though, because "Shut up, dude! The commercials are on!" It's a good thing, too, because if we didn't see that monkey dance with that phone in his hand, we wouldn't know which cell phone plan to use. So really, what do you think the outcome of the game will be?
Amir: Here's my prediction: For the first couple rounds of commercials, Somebody will ask, "is this a SuperBowl commercial?" The answer will likely be, "No. This is just a regular car commercial. Kick off is in 4 hours. Will you please leave so I can finish my seven layer dip!" As far as the game goes, who do you think wins?
Ethan: I know who will wince: Eli Manning. This poor guy was always a head case who looked like he'd start bawling at any moment on the field, now he has to sit and watch his far-more-talented big brother play in the Super Bowl AND star in tons of commercials during it. Do you think when their parents say, "We love all our sons equally," they keep a straight face, or does everyone crack up like at the end of a sitcom as Eli is forced to sleep in the attic again? But enough beating around the bush: which team will the final score favor?
Amir: You know who else was beating around the Bush? The Bears. They were beating all around Reggie Bush two weeks ago. But that game was in Chicago. This game is in Miami, so that favors I forget who, but it favors somebody.
Ethan: The fact of the matter is, it comes down to the quarterbacks. Rex Grossman v. Peyton Manning. How can you possibly think Rex can win a SuperBowl before Peyton. The football gods wouldn't allow it.
Amir: Then again, when offense plays defense, defense always wins. Who do you think will win the SuperBowl on Sunday?
Ethan: Look, I think we've beaten the Super Bowl to death and need to move on to more pressing topics. Did you see Kobe get jobbed by David Stern? What the hell was that suspension for? He hit Ginobili by accident. This is just one more instance of the NBA holding a black man down. What's your basketball storyline of the week? And if you get time, throw a Super Bowl pick in there.
Amir: If you think Kobe was pissed about getting suspended, how do you think I felt after buying Lakers at Knicks tickets on eBay last week for $60 a pop. I didn't pay this much to see Lamar Odom. I knew I was in for a long night when the Lakers were starting two Serbians.
Ethan: Are you saying Sasha Vujacic isn't worth price of admissions?
Amir: I would rather have paid $60 to watch the Kobe watching the game on TV from his hotel room. The story of the week however is the Suns losing. The Suns are going to be the worst 60 win team in NBA history, and it's because they can't beat good teams. They never ever lose to bad teams, but they just can't beat good teams. I'm not sure why. Oh, right, yes I do. They don't play defense. Also, who ya got for Sunday's big game!?
Ethan: Wait, they lost to the Timberwolves. Are you calling the Wolves a good team? Are you stuck in 2001 again? I should never have given you that Terrell Brandon jersey for Christmas; I just got such a good deal on it.
Amir: Up until this moment I thought it was a Troy Hudson jersey.
Ethan: Seriously, why isn't half the NBA tanking to try to get Oden or Durant right now? I keep hoping the players are going to get comically obvious about trying to lose and start Ricky-Davis-style shooting on the wrong goal and Generally acting like that team from Washington the Globetrotters play. I want to see a Sixers-Grizzlies game end with a 8-5 final score, although that could happen anyway. So if the Bears played the Colts in the Super Bowl, who would emerge victorious?
Amir: You play, to win, the game. Though, Oden shooting 60%+ from the line with his left hand is probably the most amazing statistic in College Basketball. If he's twice as good with his right hand then he is with his left, he'll be shooting free throws at a whopping 120%? I dont think I did that right. Pick a team at random: Bears or Colts.
Ethan: Um, Oden can shoot 120%. I don't know if you've heard basketball analysts talk about him, but he can transcend the laws of physics. Last week he made water flow uphill at his 67th birthday party, and in 1943 he invented the shot clock using only a sundial and some moxie. Give us an interesting fact, like, say, who you think will win the Super Bowl.
Amir: Who needs empty predictions when you got interesting facts, and I have a DOOZY for you. A basketball court is 94 feet long. How long do you think an ice hockey rink is?
Ethan: Trick question. The correct answer is "Who cares about hockey?"
Amir: Close. 200 feet! That means you can fit two basketball courts onto a hockey rink. How can that be!? They look roughly the same size on my 14 inch TV.
Ethan: Eh, it always sounded the same length on the radio when I was growing up. Man, having a TV would have been sweet if only my dad could hold a job for more than a few days. So enough dodging: who wins the Super Bowl?
Amir: The Colts.
Amir: Goodbye everybody!
Tell us What are your predictions? Who's going to win on Sunday? And don't guess wrong this time, it's embarassing.
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