Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
The First Evangelist
July 22, 2009
Gog: Good morning, Flock! Have you heard the good news?
Flock: What good news?
Gog: About how we all came into existence.
Flock: What do you mean? I thought we all fell out of our mothers' crotch flaps.
Gog: Well, that's true, but what about the first of us?
Flock: I never thought about it, could they have fallen out of a monkey's crotch flap?
Gog: No, Flock, don't be an idiot. Let me tell you about the first two people ever.
Flock: Maybe some other time, I really need to get back to smashing this rock with my club -
Gog: "The Lord God formed the man from the dust of the ground and into his nostrils breathed life, and he became a living being."
Flock: You expect me to believe a man was made out of dust and not from a crotch flap? What was his woman made from, a mastodon turd?
Gog: She was made out of one of the man's ribs.
Flock: You can eat man ribs
make women out of them?? I'll have to save some next time one of my brothers die. So what were the people's names?
Gog: Adam and Eve.
Flock: You mean the same Adam and Eve that live by the watering hole and make pots out of dinosaur skulls?
Gog: Well now it is known as the Baptismal Pool and dinosaurs never existed.
Flock: What do you mean 'never existed'? There's one right behind you.
Gog: I don't know what you're talking about.
Flock: So Adam and Eve were the first people ever? But my parents are older than them. My mother used to babysit Eve.
Gog: Impossible, they lived in the Garden of Eden until they were cast away into the world for eating the Forbidden Fruit.
Flock: You mean they got evicted from their cave for eating the landlord's apple stash.
Gog: And they cut off our connection with God until a savior named Jesus will come to redeem us.
Flock: You mean that kid who never finished the bird house I paid him in advance to make?
Gog: He's a good kid, just give him some time.
Flock: Great story Gog, but I have to go club and rape an unsuspecting woman. I'll see you at bowling Thursday.
Another man walks by and catches Flock's attention.
Klack: Hello, Flock, have you heard the good news?
Flock: About Adam and Eve and Jesus?
Klack: No, about the alien overlord Xenu and the thetans.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.