Roommates are horrible. See? And just like dude roommates, girl roommates break up into 7 distinct types. See which one you are or, if you're a guy, see which kind you have to deal with when you sleep in your girlfriend's room.
The Instant BFF
You were randomly assigned to each other, but right from the start it's a match made in heaven
. Within just a week, you know each other's pooping schedules and your periods are synced. Sure, it's nice when roommates hit it off it's certainly better than the alternative, but when you two have scheduled a weekly time for mani-pedis or Bad Movie
Night, the path of this relationship is predictable. Soon, the clothes-borrowing agreement you have is going to blow up after a barbeque sauce mishap. And then the eventual "Where did you put my first season Will & Grace DVD
box set?" spat will drive you even closer to the edge. Something crazy is about to happen, and it's either going to involve making out or starting the no-holds-barred fight of the century. The good news is that since you guys had no friends outside each other, no one will actually care and you can start making new friends and your once-BFF
will just become another person you avoid eye contact with in the dining hall.
The Fallen Angel
You first meet this wittle angel when she rides her high horse into your college dorm room. You can tell, even before she shows you her purity ring, that she is saving herself for marriage. While you go out and party, your roommate spends the first few weekends of college studying, or reading, or watching reruns of Dawson's Creek. Instead of having a night cap with you every Tuesday and Thursday nights, she sips her decaffeinated herbal tea from the heirloom China teacup her great grandmother gave her. For her birthday, you decide to get her some wine. "It's just like the wine at church!" she shouts as she pours the blood of Christ down her throat. Later that night, when stumbling back from the bars, you step on something sharp. You shout, "ahhh!" discovered it's her purity ring, and look over to see her in bed with the RA. But don't worry, they just did anal, that doesn't count as losing her virgin
You walk in, and it looks like someone shot a ballerina at point blank range with a shotgun full of crayons
. The walls are covered with pastel posters of kittens in paint cans, there's a cardboard cutout of one of the Jonas brothers in the corner, and her comforter matches the army of stuffed animals she brought from her home. For some reason, this roommate will always wear some sort of silver necklace- there isn't a joke here, it's just a weird, universal fact. Upon further inspection of her school supplies, your eyes will be marauded by the sheer number of multicolor sparkle pens and unicorn Trapper Keepers
. She has everything very organized as well: Transcript papers go in the "baby seals underneath a waterfall rainbow" folder, Assignments go in the "dolphins swimming in the moonlight" folder, and her poems don't go into a folder at all, because she has a diary. It's the lavender one on the desk, right next to her dream journal.
Sometimes your roommate will have a boyfriend and they will share a love that no one else can understand, the kind of love
that makes people write songs like "Chasing Cars" or "Hey There, Delilah" without putting a gun in their mouth. They'll have met around the second week of school, and he'll be two years older, with his own apartment and his own car and his own opinions about Ayn Rand. The plus side for you is that she will become a ghost
, coming back to the room only to pick up shampoo and do laundry. It'll be great for a couple of months, but be warned: it won't last. What will start with muffled arguments outside your door will end with you enduring a semester of waking up in the middle of the night to her inconsolable sobbing.
Smell that plastic melting
? Your roommate just bought something on her daddy's credit. When she talks about him she refers to him as "daddy" and never "my dad" the way a normal human being would. Daddy holds great power and influence in a difficult field, such as law, business, or the Mafia, and he's a tough customer in most situations, but put his daughter's beautiful, Mom-resemblance-bearing face in front of him and he's powerless to resist. He pays the full sticker price to send Daddy's Girl to your expensive private college. He already bought the kick-ass apartment she picked out for next year. Plus, his super-high-limit Black Card bankrolls her weekend shopping trips
too. Don't call that shopping wasteful
stopping Daddy's Girl from buying things would be like taking food out of the mouths of the children who work 15 hours a day making leggings, oversized sunglasses, and Ugg boots. Ask her if she wants to go do laundry down at the TOO LATE DADDY
'S MONEY DID HERS FOR HER
She's like a real mother, except not loving or supporting. You're heading out to a party after a really stressful week. "Nice shirt", she says. "It's a dress
", you reply. "Oooooooh" she says, tipping her glasses, her eyes exploding with judgment. When you learn she has no plans for the night, you invite her along, just to be polite. "No thanks, my body's a temple," she responds. Weeks later, you'll wake up and find a cleaned bathroom, with a sticky note
attached to the shower curtain: "you're welcome." And if you have a guy over and microwave a ramen noodle bowl for him, she'll probably insist he starts splitting the room grocery bill. Just pray she never finds a broken condom wrapper or a pipe in your drawers, or you'll probably be grounded.
Hotter Than You
Right, I mean she's not hotter than you, she just has bigger tits
. If guys like massive tits that lead to spine problems
then yeah you guess she's hot. She wears a ton of make-up. Most people don't know that. They think her skin is just naturally perfect, but you've seen her cover up the one, maybe two pimples she's had this year! Also you've fucked way more guys than her; she has only brought one guy back to the room all year. What type of a slut is that prude? Yeah she looks good in her clothes, but her clothes just fit her better than yours! It's not that she's hot, it's just that clothing companies happen to make stuff that fits her really well, and it's not your fault you don't fit in the clothes made by random people. She's not ugly, that'd be a mean thing to say, she's just not AS hot as everyone says she is. She's a 7, maybe a 7.5 in good lighting. In the winter she doesn't even keep her tan very well and it's just like She's a 6, TOPS
! But this is just amongst friends, we are like best friends, I don't hate her. We have a mutual respect for each other's beauty.