Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
Why They Cancelled America's Army
August 5, 2009
The US Army recently cancelled their free-to-play series of recruitment videogames. Here's why:
An army briefing room. A four-star general enters with Herman, a pimply, greasy fifteen-year-old.
Men, meet Herman Wallace. He's topped the America's Army leadboard for the past five months, and we believe he is our best and brightest hope of winning this war.
The Middle East, a few weeks later:
Commander Wallace! Insurgents have the compound surrounded. What are your orders?
OK, first thing, we need some health packs.
Big white boxes with a red cross on them. Trust me, you do not want to get shot without one of those ready.
Sir, I'm not sure-
Fine, health packs later. Just find the rocket launcher, OK? Judging from the design of this level, it should be on that warehouse roof.
Sir, we could have brought a rocket launcher from base, no need to go scrambling-
Dammit, am I surrounded by n00bs? At least tell me someone is going after their flag.
Enemy fires pins down the marines.
Quick! I just unlocked the "Uber Headshot" achievement, I can take these guys.
The Sargeant reluctanly hands him a rifle.
Hm. Are all the guns this heavy?
. The gun accidentally goes off, hitting the Private.
Ah! I didn't know it was, uh, bullet-filled.
Tell my wife- I love her.
Damn it, James, you're going to live through this!
Told you we should have found health packs.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.