Issue One Hundred and Nineteen

It would probably suck to be Alice Cooper's kid and have to go to summer school.
-Conor McKeon
I stopped a cannibal from eating me by lying on the ground for 5 seconds.
-Gareth Barsby
Should a deaf child's mother wash their child's hands with soap everytime they swear?
-Ben Kamperschroer
Who doesn't love shark week?!?
Oh...right...probably victims and their families.
-Tom Graber
I came out of the closet to my parents last night...
Scared the sh*t out of 'em!
-Kevin Elliott
I think the best part about being tried as an adult in court is you can have cookies as your last meal.
-Conor McKeon
I wouldn't say I believe in God, but I do believe in something bigger and higher than us. Thats why I believe in a bear on stilts.
-Kevin Collins
I get high on drugs because they haven't developed a way to smoke life yet.
-Vincent Brugnoni
Mistaken
During a fight the other day my parents told me I was a mistake. I didn't understand because I thought I was adopted. My Dad said he was just trying to rent a boat.
-Jon Raciunas
Ever since I got pregnant, everyone asks whether I'm hoping for a boy or a girl. I just hope my penis still works after it comes out.
-Zach Hendi
AOL's Business Model
Slow and Steady wins the race.
-Sean Jordan