Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
How To Tell If Your Girlfriend Is Cheating On You
February 2, 2007
You love your girlfriend. She's smart, she's pretty and best of all, she's all yours...or is she? Tragically, your girlfriend may not realize that you are all that is man and may seek sexual gratification elsewhere without your knowledge. But how will you know if your girlfriend is, in fact, a cheater? Simple: Look for the following 5 signs.
1. Avoids Eye Contact When Asked What She Did Last Night
Avoiding eye contact is a classic sign of guilt. "Oh, I was at the library," she'll say while glancing at the ground. "I just stayed in," she'll mumble as she she gazes at her shoe. Maybe she's ashamed because she stayed in last night like a loser instead of slamming back brews with you and your boys, but more likely she was the one getting slammed by a boy. That's what happened, isn't it, Taralyn?!
2. Skin Clumps Under Fingernails
Cheating whores are pretty meticulous about hiding their sins. They wash sheets, comb hair, take showers, etc., but they rarely remember to clean out the sheets of skin - scraped from their illicit partner's back - from under their fingernails. I suggest ambushing your girlfriend after you suspect a cheating session has occurred and trying to get a skin sample from under her fingernails. If your uncle is cop you can even get a
test done on the sample. It doesn't matter if the
comes back without a match either, Taralyn is still up to something. Scratching bug bites my ass.
3. Sudden Change In Kissing Style
Every person kisses differently. Some people use a lot of tongue, some people bite lips and some people like to lick chins. If you notice your girlfriend has suddenly changed styles - say, from a lip-nibbler to a tongue-sucker - something shady is going on. This is a clear indication that she's been sleeping around, probably with Tyler Williams. Is that it, slut? Is it Tyler?
4. Her Breath Smells Like Tyler William's Dick
You'd recognize that smell anywhere. Yup. Definitely Tyler Williams' dick. How could you, Tara-bear?! How could you do this to me...to US?!
5. You Suddenly Don't Feel Bad About Cheating On Her
You used to get a pang of guilt with each thrust into Jessica Bilardo a month ago, but not anymore. What gives? Why don't you feel bad about sleeping with another woman all of a sudden? Simple: that's your soul letting you know it's OK to sleep with other people because your girlfriend is
doing it, too. If you find yourself sleeping with someone else with a big smile on your face and not a thought about your girlfriend, she's almost definitely a cheating whore. Whatever, you don;t even need her. I mean, Taralyn was hot, like, Freshman year, but now she's kind of fat. Plus, Jessica is up for ass-play and that's a road you're definitely interested in traveling down.
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