Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
3 Internet VIPs: Part I
August 25, 2009
You all know about certain Internet figures. You know about Craig and Tom and Mark Zuckerberg and Vinton Cerf and Ashton Kutcher, but there are a lot of people you might not know. A lot of very insane people. Today we begin to celebrate those people:
His website's welcome message starts, "Welcome to Ulillillia City! In Ulillillia City, you'll find tips and tricks that'll help with math, computer operation, and a few others. I have free games you can make and play with common household materials like dice or marbles.
My extensive dream journal with over 750 entries is probably one of the largest online dream journals.
From school and my dreams or strange events I have in my mind game, I have some stories available. Along with that, I have two computer games I'm working on, "The Supernatural Olympics" and a 2D
game. Best of all, there isn't a hint of advertising on my website."
One of the main sections on the site is the
. What's the Mind Game, you ask? Ulillillia describes it as "a futuristic-like video game I play in my mind often." Sounds simple, right? Wrong. It's very complicated.
Aside from the "games" and "math tips" that Ulillillia provides, he also has a very informative
section. This is often the most enlightening part of a
's website. Ulillillia's does not disappoint. "Other problems I have: My severe addiction to video games caused numerous other problems, many of which rather bizarre.
My most memorable problems are that of blue water being dangerous (overcome), mirrors (still present, even after almost two decades and very little progress), stairs (still present and had for about 8 years), and chairs (only booths in restaurants and car seats are acceptable it's the floor otherwise)
. My forward-shifting sleep-wake cycle, which is now beginning to be understood considering the 15 or so years I've had it and 5 I've truly experienced it) is another memorable problem, but not related to my video game addictions."
For a detailed account of everything Ulillillia, visit the
entry dedicated to him.
Perhaps the most amazing thing about Ulillillia's site is how, after almost a decade of operation, he has not conformed to the pressure of modern website aesthetics. While others may streamline their design, experiment with newer programming languages, not have a black background, Ulillillia persists with his original design. For this steadfast loyalty to basic
and the glory of the
, we salute you.
Pirates Sparrow and Turner
FanFiction has never been, nor will it ever be, cool. It is one of, if not the most, pathetic "art forms" ever to arise. It is no wonder, then, that the Internet welcomed it with open arms. After all, it combines the Internet's two favorite things: pop culture minutia and porn. Case in point:
Golden Girls erotica
gay Wizard of Oz erotica
gay, incestuous, Happy Days meets Supernatural erotica
. More: No. This could go on forever. Think of any two fictional characters. Someone has probably written them into a compromising position, and that someone is probably
. His stories, all 552 of them, tend to be brief and even the sexually explicit ones aren't
horrendous by Internet standards. The really insane thing is that he thinks to write these stories. And then he takes a break and writes kid-friendly
. Naked Bea Arthur and animated cats in one mind? That's weird. Naked Bea Arthur and animated cats on one universally accessible page? That's the Internet.
The strangest thing about Harriet Klausner is that, in fact, she's not strange at all. She's the #1 Amazon reviewer and has written 19,790 legitimate reviews. This isn't an
situation. The only potentially peculiar thing about Ms. Klausner is that all of those 19,790 reviews are about books. Yes, books she's read. In Amazon's "In Her Own Words" sectionthe "About Me" of vaguely patronizing shopping sitesHarriet explains, "I was an acquisitions librarian in Pennsylvania and wrote a monthy review column of recommended reads. I found I liked reviewing and went on to freelance after my son was born. I have 2 dogs, a cairn and a pom, and four cats. Oh, I have a 21 year old son and a husband who wants to but is nowhere near retiring. I am a speed reader (a gift I was born with) and read two books a day." This explanation actually raises more questions than it answers:
What is an acquisitions librarian?
Does she consider writing Amazon reviews "freelance," or is she referring to something different? Does Amazon pay her to write reviews of books most people have never heard of? If so, why?
Is the ability to speed read really something you're "born with?" It seems, at best, to be something you're born with the ability to learn.
Oh, 4. Is the "Oh" really necessary before introducing your child and husband? For that matter, shouldn't they come before the pets?
All in all, Harriet Klausner is a figure of mystery, not just because of her apparent priorities in self-description, nor her obsession with writing Amazon reviews. No, the most fascinating thing about Harriet Klausner is that she has read 19,790 horrible books.
If you fancy yourself an Internet Indiana Jones, send your findings to
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.