Here is what an insightful five year old kidcan discern from visiting his brother in college. Kid's part is read inthe most youthful voice possible.
Kid: So, you are telwing me that you only have to go to class for fifteen hours a week?
Collegeguy: That's right.
Kid: Mommy and Daddy tol me I go to class forty hours a week.
Collegeguy: That's right little man.
Kid: You are a total dooooooche.
Collegeguy: Well that's not the best part of college.
Kid: I also heard from the internets that you can bring all sorts of icky girrrrls to your room. Is that true?
Collegeguy: Well there are some sluts here so I'd agree so are veryicky for your dicky but there are some that are great. And yes, you canbring anyone to your room.
Kid: What is a slut?
Collegeguy: Every single one of Dad's girlfriends.
Collegeguy: Yep. So what else did you hear?
Kid: I heard that you all drink a special kind of juicy juice hereand it's called Keystone Light. Mummy said that it makes you do badstuff like think you are a good dancer and maybe even marry someone youdon't want to marry like Daddy.
Collegeguy: Well I ain't getting married or anything like thatlittle brosef. What I am doing though is drinking the awesome sauce andI am having an awesome time doing it.
Kid: So where do you go to do all of this?
Collegeguy: To the frat houses.
Kid: Isn't that the place where a bunch of guys try to be cool bydrinking lots of the juicy juice and making fun of guys who like tostick their peepee on other guys' poopyholes?
Collegeguy: Yep. They are lamer than a paraplegic.
Kid: So why do you go there big brudda?
Collegeguy: Because the girls do.
Kid: So you pick up girls there?
Collegeguy: That's right.
Kid: Do you pick them up because you like to lift weights?
Collegeguy: Well not that kind of picking up, but if you like someof the lonely fatties then that would indeed be what I am talking about.
Kid: I see now. So what do you do after you pick up a girl?
Collegeguy: You bring up back to your room and hope to God your roommate isn't there.
Kid: If he is there can he join in?
Collegeguy: If he's also really drunk he might accidentally do just that.
Kid: So I wonder, why do you drink and kill brain cells if yoursupposed to be learning stuff in school to make your brain bigger?
Collegeguy: Who needs to know anything about Socrates and Plato orhow to do a bioassay? As I always say, leave everything you learned onthe test paper and all your dignity on the dancefloor. You'll havenothing left but half-memories after you have left college andhopefully not a few babies and STDs to go along with them.
Kid: That sounds wike a wot of fun.
Collegeguy: It is very fun indeed. And the best part is that ifthere is a teacher you really want to bring back to your room you can.You know how hot you think Ms. Cross.
Kid: Wow! I could play show and tell with my peepee with her and she wouldn't get in twubble?
Collegeguy: No trouble at all. You don't even have to go to class ifyou don't want to. Just turn in the homework and do the tests andyou're all set.
Kid: I weeeaaallly want to go to college now. It's too bad I'm not smart enough yet to get in.
Collegeguy: Well little man don't say that. I go to a state school. Even our pet dog Snufflescruffle could get in.
Kid: Yay. Sign me up.
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