Playing frisbee? He'd get a black eye from a rogue disc. Climbing a fence? He'd get his shirt caught and mangle himself on the way down. Monkey bars? Broken bones. You get the picture. This kid could not participate in anything without ruining it for everyone. Any minor act of mischief would result in a trip to the ER and some pissed off parents. Thanks dude, now we're not allowed to play with replica swords. Way to lose an eye, asshole.
By elementary school, you're old enough to like girls but young enough that you're embarrassed to admit it. Who you have a crush on is the BIGGEST secret a 10-year-old can have. Seriously, I water-boarded my little brother and he still wouldn't tell me. Kidding, of course. I don't have a little brother.
He was my cousin.
This kid was a bossy asshole who ALWAYS had to have his way. If you played "Batman and Robin," he'd insist on being Batman. If you played "Sonic" for Sega Genesis, you'd be stuck with Tails. Despite being a total JERK, he probably grew up to be some big shot engineer who makes way more money than you. ISN'T THAT RIGHT, CRAIG? MONEY MAKES YOU BETTER THAN ME, HUH? WELL IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU BETTER AT VIDEO GAMES. YOU SHOULD HAVE LET ME BE SONIC.
YOU COULDN'T BEAT METAL SONIC FOR SHIT.
Art by the incredible/edible Owen Parsons.