Jack: Alright you guys, listen up.
Gasinator: Pfffbbbbb! Ugh. Who beefed?
Jack: Not now, Gasinator, this is important. As you guys know, these are difficult times. Party attendance has declined steadily since the release of the Wii, and the current economic climate isn't helping. Our last Golf Pros and Tennis Hos party only brought in $23, and Moose accidentally bought a giant sandwich with it.
Squiggy: CLASSIC MOOSE!
Jack: The bottom line is that we no longer have the money to continue as a fraternity, which is why we're merging with Lambda Nu.
Burly: Lambda Nu? We hate those assholes.
Gasinator: Pfffbbbbb! Oh man. Someone just ripped ass.
Markowitz: Chill out, Burly. Those are our brothers you're talking about. We're all one big frat now. The biggest frat on campus, right? This could be great.
Jack: Not exactly. We're going to have to let a lot of you go.
The Omega Chi's shift uncomfortably.
Jack: Old Mike, you've been with Omega Chi for nine years, deftly avoiding graduation time and time again.
Old Mike smiles proudly.
Jack: But the Lambda Nu's have a guy that's been here for 13 years. I'm sorry. You're being replaced by Old Steve.
The Omega Chi's are in shock. Old Mike and Moose hug.
Jack: Shawn, as you know, you're black, and you listen to the Dave Matthews band. We love you for it, but we won't be needing you anymore. The Lambda Nu's have an even chiller black guy. He's even followed Phish on tour so, James, we won't be needing you either as he also fills our stoner/jam-band-lover requirement.
James begins pulling tie-dye tapestries from the walls
Squiggy: Well I know I'm safe, unless they have another cool guy that everyone likes.
Jack: Actually, Squiggy, their guy-with-a-hot-sister's sister is even hotter than yours. Pack your things.
Gasinator: Pfffbbbbb! Gross. I think that one was a shart.
Jack: Gasinator, I'm sure you've already realized that Fart Sandwich is even more immature than you.
Gasinator: (sadly) Pfffbbbbb.
Jack: Suave, Gilroy, Popov, no one can drink as much as you guys.
The trio high five.
Jack: We can't afford to have you here killing kegs all the time. I'm sorry. Moose
Moose begins to weep.
Jack: Calm down, Moose. You're a big, lovable doofus and you're one of a kind. Now you'll also be sharing that title with Ox. We expect you two to get into all kinds of hilarious antics together.
Moose: You can count on me, sir!
Jack: I also have good news. Theta Zeta and Zeta Pi, the two hottest sororities, have also merged and they kicked out all of the ugly girls. For those of you still here, we have a mixer with the new super-sorority Thursday. Now, with Sauve no longer here, I'll be filling his role as guy-who-hooks-up-with-the-hottest-chicks. So everyone stay away from Anneka Bjornson.